David Charvet Lists 'Chateau Charvet' in Malibu

SELLER: David Charvet (and Brooke Burke)
LOCATION: Malibu, CA
PRICE: $12,500,000
SIZE: 6,769 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The guard-gated and secluded Serra Retreat in Malibu, CA has long attracted high-profile peeps in The Industry who desire easy access to Hollywood and a semi-rural quasi-equestrian seaside lifestyle. Some of the uppity enclave's current residents include Kelsey Grammer's ex-wife Camille, super producer James Cameron (The Titanic) and Mel Gibson's long-suffering ex-wife Robin who has the erstwhile couple's compound listed at $11,750,000. Past residents of the exclusive and semi-rustic community include Olivia Newton John and Britney Spears and Kevin Federline who sold their erstwhile love shack to horror film writer/director Stephen Sommers in August 2007 for $10,000,000. After an extensive cleansing and renovation Mister and Missus Sommers have the renovated 8 bedroom and 8 bathroom spread back on the market with an asking price of $15,950,000.

Handsome and hunky actor (and designer denim jeans heir) David Charvet has owned a home in the Serra Retreat since March of 1998 when he paid $1,275,000 for five contiguous parcels that combined cover a couple acres and form an "L" shape.

Mister Charvet–whose father is Tunisian-born and Los Angles-based apparel business baron Paul Guez–started up his ladder of often shirtless fame in the 1990s on the hit boob-toob programs Baywatch and Melrose Place. But for a lead role in a couple of movies Your Mama has never heard of (Meet Prince Charming in 2002 and Green Flash in 2008) Mister Charvet seemed to have all but retired from showbiz in the late 1990s. In the last couple of years Mister Charvet has gotten his acting feet wet again with a tee-vee movie (The Perfect Teacher) and a couple of not yet released sci-fi-sounding films (Prisoner of the Sun and Nephilim).

We assume–which means we could be making an as of you and Your Mama–that Mister Charvet shares his Malibu mansion with long-time lady-friend and two-time baby momma Brooke Burke. Miss Burke, who also has two children from a previous relationship, started up her ladder of Hollywood fame as a nekkid model who parlayed her exposed breasts into a career as a tee-vee hostess (Wild On!, Rock Star, Miss America 2011). She appeared on and won the 7th season of the long ago jumped the shark but still somehow enormously popular program Dancing With The Stars. In 2010 Miss Burke took on the co-hosting duties on the dreadful dance contest extravaganza, which is probably, all Hollywood things considered, a damn good gig.

Mister Charvet and Miss Burke hooked up in 2005 or 2006–we can't be bothered to sort out the details–and have since made two babies with appropriately unusual names. Their Heaven joins Gwynnie Paltrow's Apple, Mariah Carey's Moroccan and Rob Morrow's Tu. Yes puppies, Rob Morrow named his daughter Tu Morrow. That man and his wife are so gonna get it from their Tu Morrow when she gets to be a snarling and sniveling teenager! Anyhoo, the good-looking baby makers in our discussion got engaged at some point–we can't be bothered to find out when–but have not, as far as Your Mama knows, tied the knot in the eyes of God and government.

Current listing information shows that the existing French Country-style pile was built in 2007. That indicates to Your Mama that Mister Charvet either replaced or significantly renovated and expanded the much smaller 2,726 square foot residence built in 1961 that stood on the property when he acquired it in 1998.

The current two-story dwelling, according to listing information, measures 6,769 square feet, includes 5 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms and is dubbed with the pleasantly alliterative but unnecessarily grandiose Chateau Charvet.

An 18th century fountain and expansive hand-laid antique stone motor court set the stage and lead the way to the nearly new residence built and finished with materials meant to give it an immediate patina: Exterior lamps flicker old-school style with gas; The walls were plastered by hand with an antique-y finish; The floors laid with walnut and hand-carved limestone; The fireplace mantels in the living and family rooms imported from France and the doors were hand-sculpted, whatever that means.

The formality of the long "formal" living/dining room was given the ol' California architectural heave-ho with a wide bank of floor-to-ceiling wood-framed accordion glass doors that open the room to stone terraces and outdoor living areas that overlook the broad lawn and manicured grounds. Listing photos show an intimately-scaled and masculine wood-paneled office where Mister Charvet hung a striking painting of what appears to Your Mama to be a tree about to be engulfed in flames. Like the living/dining room, the open plan kitchen/breakfast/family room area spills out into the back yard through a bank of accordion-fold glass doors in the family room and graceful arched French doors in the breakfast room.

Listing information reveals that Chateau Charvet also includes a hidden screening room–why hide it?–and a 4,000 bottle wine cellar that will satiate and inebriate even the most committed of the wino-philes and booze hounds in the family. A finished lower level contains a bonus room of undefined use and what listing information called a woman's off-season closet. Now, hunnies, that really is quite a nice feature, this woman's off-season closet. But what is the man of the house supposed to do with all his winter woolens come warm weather? Put them in a garbage bag and stuff it into the rafters in the garage? And what exactly, Your Mama wonders, makes this exclusively a "woman's" off-season closet? Does it have an infrared vagina recognizing security system or something?

Anyhoodles poodles, the back of the house forms a shallow obtuse angle that gently hugs the grassy and manicured courtyard-ish backyard. A wide terrace with a variety of functional areas–eating, lounging, conversating–extends off the rear of the house. A wide flat lawn pushes off from the terrace, engulfs the infinity-edge swimming pool and spa and stretches beyond where it steps down in wide terraces lined with clipped box woods and white rose bushes. Gravel paths lined with more clipped box woods and stone stairs streak across and provide a rigorous structure to the wild tree stands and rugged mountain views that surround the property.

At one end of the house, near the swimming pool, a stone-built cabana has built-in bench seating and an outdoor fireplace for nipping the edge off misty Malibu mornings and foggy evenings. This house is not, in all honestly, Your Mama's most desired cup of real estate tea but we could happily whittle away weeks and years curled up in the corner of that cabana with a stack of gossip glossies (and The New Yorker), our trusty laptop computer, a giant bowl of penny candy and an even more giant pitcher full of gin & tonic (extra lime, please).

Listing information indicates Mister Charvet will lease the property for $75,000 per month so anyone who might like to spend some serious paper to test drive Chateau Charvet could do so before making the full commitment to purchase.

Mister Charvet is not the only Guez family member with his left foot in the real estate hokey-pokey. Your Mama hears through the Platinum Triangle real estate gossip grapevine that Mister Charvet's uncle Hubert–the current CEO of the brain freezing Ed Hardy clothing brand–is about to sell his 17,171 square foot faux-French chateau in the Holmby Hills 'hood where some of the hoitiest of Tinseltown's toitiest homes cluster together like debutantes in a biker bar. Mister Guez's extravagant mansion happens to be the very rented residence where deceased music icon Michael "The White Lady" Jackson met his maker in the summer of 2009. The house, once listed with an punishingly optimistic asking price of $38,000,000, was last listed with a $23,500,000 price tag. Your Mama hears from an informant whom we'll call Knancy Knowstheprice who snitched that the tech tycoon who's about to sign the deed's dotted line is actually getting the house for a significantly lower price...in the teens. It's just rumor and gossip now, sweeties, just rumor and gossip.

listing photos: Coldwell Banker Previews International

Read More

Completely Off-Topic

This has nothing to do with real estate, but it was amusing to me and I just wanted to share it with people.

A week ago, I got a spam message from someone claiming that someone in Nigeria was trying to wire me $500,000 dollars. I reported the message as spam, but I decided to reply and see how much I could play with the person. Turn out, quite a bit.. Everything listed below is real and unaltered - the only change I have made is to hide my email address for privacy.

Date: Wed, 01 Jun 2011 00:21:18 +0200
From: UBA Group info@ubagroup.org
Reply-to: ubagroup_godwill@9.cn
To: undisclosed-recipients: ;
Subject: Money Gram Transfer

There is an issue with the Money Gram Transfer
in the amount of $500,000.00 directed at the
owner of this email address. THE EX GOVERNOR OF
KANU STATE IN NIGERIA, contacted us for your
transaction a couple of hours ago. He said that
he choose to send it to an email address
instead of a name. We are unable to complete a
transfer directed at an email address, so we
require some more information in order to
complete this transfer. You are required to
provide confirmation of the following:


-The name in which you wish to receive this transfer:
-Telephone / Fax Number:
-Occupation :
-Full Address Contact:
-State/ City:
-Zip Code:
-Country:
-Age:


In order to resolve this problem, please call
our offices at +234-708-9779-324 or at this
email ubagroup_godwill@9.cn
As soon as this information is received, your
payment will be made to you in electronic wired
transfer to your nominated bank
account directly from The UNITED BANK OF AFRICA
[U.B.A] as soon as you comply with the
requirements . When calling or emailing ,
please use reference number 250-153 for our
mutual convenience.THE MANAGEMENT OF UNITED
BANK OF AFRICA [U.B.A]OFFICE NIGERIA BRANCH.
MONEY GRAM TRANSFER DEPARTMENT.
Mr. Allen Godwill

From: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
To: ubagroup_godwill@9.cn
Subject: RE: Money Gram Transfer
Date: Tue, 31 May 2011 20:19:43 -0700

Wow! How fortuitous! My great-grandfather on my pappi's side is from Kanu!
My information is below! Please transfer the money immediately!

-The name in which you wish to receive this transfer: Jethro Beauregard
-Telephone / Fax Number: 714-143-2444
-Occupation : Exotic dancer
-Full Address Contact: 4029 E. Happy Pants Lane
-State/ City: California
-Zip Code: 92666
-Country: US of A, best damn country in the world
-Age: 47


From: UBA Group allengodwill@group.com
Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2011 04:38:23 +1000
Subject: Your Transfer Order Number is ECC/0123723/AQ11WWR.
Reply-To: ubagroup_godwill@9.cn
Return-Path: allengodwill@group.com
UNITED BANK OF AFRICA [U.B.A]
Registered office:
261 Tower Building Estate,
Gariki,Abuja,23452.
SWIFT: DABAGB2B
Switching to UNITED BANK OF AFRICA [ U.B.A]

Attention: Jethro Beauregard,

We are in receipt of your mail and the content was noted, regarding your
mail below, your questions. With reference to the option you have chosen, we
like to inform you that the ($500, 000.00 USD) would be transferred to the
account provided by you. Note that you will not be charged for transfer fee
we shall cover that charges. But the insurance company declined reverse
payment stating that if anything goes wrong with transfer that they will be
responsible, and the insurance have requested payment for their insurance
cover, this alone you will be responsible for.


You will be responsible for the payment of charges to INSURE YOUR FUNDS ,
therefore you have been billed to pay the sum of $1000.00 USD as payment
for insurance cover.
============================== ======================
Your Transfer Order Number is ECC/0123723/AQ11WWR.
============================== ======================
The charges are in this proportion because of the insurance cover we have
undertaken to covers the Funds as the insurance company shall serve all
responsibilities incase of any eventualities because the FUNDS has been
Cleared and registered and will be transferred into your account as soon as
we receive the Payments for the Insurance cover to insure the funds for
transfer.

Note the transferring process of your FUNDS cannot be complet without
receiving your payment for insurance cover.

Note: that your Transfer is going to be done Electronic Online Banking
Transfer as it will take 3 WORKING DAYS to reflect in your present
designated bank account in your country

We are glad to be of service to you.
We anticipate your immediate action on this matter of world interest.


Mr. Allen O'Godwill
Transfer Department,
Inspector Abdural Rowe,

CC: The Presidency
CC: Federal Ministry of Finance
CC: Federal Ministry of Justice

Tel: : +234-708-977-9324
Email: ubagroup_godwill@9.cn


From: xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
To: ubagroup_godwill@9.cn
Subject: RE: Your Transfer Order Number is ECC/0123723/AQ11WWR.
Date: Wed, 1 Jun 2011 12:46:56 -0700
Well shit howdy.. You tell me I need to pay $1000 but don't tell me how I'm supposed to pay you!

Of course, I'm not really sure I can afford to pay $1000. I mean, I've been saving up for this hot little g-string with flashing lights on it. It's pretty pricy, but I'm sure it will help me earn more money during my dances. How about you lend me the $1000 and I'll pay you back when the $500000 has been sent to me?

Jethro.


From: UBA Group allengodwill@group.com
Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2011 07:30:28 +1000
Subject: Attention
Reply-To: ubagroup_godwill@9.cn

UNITED BANK OF AFRICA [U.B.A]
Registered office:
261 Tower Building Estate,
Gariki,Abuja,23452.
SWIFT: DABAGB2B
Switching to UNITED BANK OF AFRICA [ U.B.A]

Attention:Jethro Beauregard,

I am in reciept of your mail and the content was well noted. In response to the mail sent to my office i wil like
to inform you that. there is no way we can loan you that money becouse this is a bank,
Befor money can be loan out there must be colataras to inssure money give out.

NOTE; The $1000.00 USD that you are to send to our Account officer is to enable us inssure Your FUNDS.

But i am expecting my monthly salaries next tomorrow which is one day from today. But it will be very deficut
for me to loan you that amount of money becuse i have family resposibility to take care of.

I know that any delay in this transfer is at your RISK.

The only thing i can do for you, I can only help you with $400.00 USD you have to pay me back once your FUNDS is being
transfer to you.

But first you will have to contact me so i can be sure and know how serius you are in paying me back my money.

My contact details is as follow;
Phone;+234-708-9779-324
Mr. Allen Godwill

NOTE; You are to send $600.00 USD First thing tomorrow to our account officer. Once the payment is comfirm
by us i will complete the amount first thing next tomorrow onec i recieved my salaries but i have
to hear from you to be sure.

Onec you ready call or contact us by phone or e-mail.

Mr. Allen O'Godwill
Transfer Department,
Tel: : +234-708-977-9324
Email: ubagroup_godwill@9.cn


From: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
To: ubagroup_godwill@9.cn
Subject: RE: Attention
Date: Wed, 1 Jun 2011 20:52:00 -0700

Mr. Allen,

Thank you so much for loaning me $400. You can send the money to me at:

Jethro Beauregard
c/o Chippenbales Dance Spot
4029 E. Happy Pants Lane, California 92666
US of A, best damn country in the world

Good thing you mentioned about your family responsibilities! Reminded me that I gotta send off my alimoney and child care payments. My ex wife and her fancy lawyer got the judge to say I have to pay her $300 a month! Can you believe that? I sure can't. Well, I guess I can because I got the paper from the court that says I have to and one time I tried to not pay, but the sheriff came out and had a long talk with me and convinced me I had to pay or I was gonna get thrown in jail. And if that aint enough I also gotta pay $200 a month in child support! Hell, that little brat aint even mine and she knows it! I knows his father is Greg Halfenbeckerhornstead. I know they were making out and doing other stuff Jesus wouldn't like! That's why I left her!

Hell, got myself all riled up. Sorry.

Anyway, I get paid on Friday and I'll send you the money then. Well, maybe you better wait until Saturday. I tend to hit the bars on Friday and this Friday being a payday and all I'll probably be having a real good time, if you know what I mean. I probly wont be able to get out of bed until noon or later Saturday morning. I like me those cosmopolitans! But I promise I'll go the western union as soon as I get up! I should still have money then. I've never drank $600 of liquor before. God knows, I've tried though. And there's always a chance I'll get some big bills stuffed in my g-string. On Friday nights, the ladies really come out. I've found the plump ones are the best tippers. Do you like large women? I sure do! The bigger the cushion, the better the pushing as Spinal Tap says. You have Spinal Tap over there in Nigeria? I reckon you do. It's rock n roll! Woo!

Man, I cant wait to get that electric g-string. That'll bring in the big bucks! Yessir.. When I got your email, I just knew my life was changing for the better! In fact, tell you what I'm gonna do! Not only will I repay you that $400 you owe me, but I will also throw in an extra $20. You can buy the Spinal Tap cd with that! Hell, I think I'll just go make you a tape right now. Forget about the extra $20. But don't worry..I'll use a high quality TDK cassette so you can hear the Tap in all their glory! And not those crappy 120 minute ones either. And if there's room, I'll add on some of my own songs. I write songs you know. Gotta have something to fall back on. My body aint gonna be this hot forever (especially if I keep partying hard on Friday nights.. I don't know how Ron Wood manages to still look so good.)

Yours in christ,

Jethro


From: UBA Group allengodwill@group.com
Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2011 07:32:37 +1000
Subject: PAYMENT INSTRUCTION.
Reply-To: ubagroup_godwill@9.cn

UNITED BANK OF AFRICA [U.B.A]
Registered office:
261 Tower Building Estate,
Gariki,Abuja,23452.
SWIFT: DABAGB2B
Switching to UNITED BANK OF AFRICA [U.B.A]

Attention : Jethro Beauregard,

Below is our account officer details that you are to use to make the
payment for the insurance cover.

USE THE BELOW FOR PAYMENT VIA Western-Union-Money-Transfer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Receivers Full Names: GEORGE RAYMOND.
Receivers Address: 324 M . M Way, Benin City Edo State Nigeria. 23452.
Amount To Be Sent: $600.00 USD
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When You have made the above payment as instructed Via
Western-Union-Money-Transfer, send back to us the below required details of
payment, for confirmation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sender's First Name:...................................
Sender's Last Names:...................................
Country/city/state/zipcode of where money is sent
from:.....................................................
Sender's Address:...................................
Sender phone No:....................................
MTCN [Money Transfer Code Number]....................... .......
Amount Sent:..........................................
Text Question : ...........................
Text Answer :..........................
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once the payment is made, you are to FAX A COPY OF THE PAYMENT SLIP FROM
WESTERN UNION TO Fax: + 1-309-214-6065 and we will receive it. and also
fill the above required details of payment via email to enable the us
confirm the payment and start processing your Delivery with immediate
effect.

We are glad to be of service to you.

We anticipate your immediate action on this matter of world interest.

Mr. Allen O'Godwill
Transfer Department,


Inspector Abdural Rowe,

CC: The Presidency
CC: Federal Ministry of Finance
CC: Federal Ministry of Justice

Tel: :+234-708-977-9324
Email: ubagroup_godwill@9.cn


From: UBA Group allengodwill@group.com
Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2011 14:22:00 +1000
Subject: Attention:Jethro Beauregard,
Reply-To: ubagroup_godwill@9.cn

Attention:Jethro Beauregard,

Your mail was recieved i will like to have your personal phone number.
the 400.00 USD promise by me to loan out to you will be sent to the Account officer MR.goege ramond
first thing on friday morning. And you will have to send the the complete balance to him once i get contact
by him about the balance, Your transfer will be to you imediately

please do not fail to send to me back my $400.00 USD.

I WILL LIKE YOU TO CALL ME TODAY SO I WILL BE REST ASSURE.

My contact details is as follow;
Phone;+234-708-9779-324
Mr. Allen Godwill



From: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
To: ubagroup_godwill@9.cn
Subject: RE: Attention:Jethro Beauregard,
Date: Thu, 2 Jun 2011 08:38:03 -0700

Mr. Goodwrench,

I told my good friend about this wonderful event that has come my way. He warned me that this might be some sort of scam. I'm not sure I believe him, but it did get me to thinking. I don't know much about you and I'm not sure I feel too good about sending $600 to someone I don't know very well. Can you tell me a little bit more about yourself? You haven't answered any of my previous questions - do you like large women? Do they have Spinal Tap in Nigeria? Tell me about your family. Can you send a picture of yourself? I can send you one of me if you would like. Face only please! Lordy, I once asked someone for their picture in email and they sent me back one of them completely nekkid! Can you believe that? I tell you, the internets are full of strange people!

Anyway, I figure you might want to get to know me better too, so I'll tell you a bit about myself. I graduated from high school 25 years ago. I spent some time taking classes at the local community college. I was going to be a microwave repairman. But then one day I turned on something I shouldn't have and felt my spleen getting warm. Turned out, I was shooting microwaves at myself! I decided then and there that I wasn't going to be a microwave repairman no more.. That incident made me realize how close I had come to nuking my man sack and I aint had any kids yet, so I didn't want that to happen. So I had a friend who was a dancer and he told me about all the money he got from just dancing for women. It sounded like a pretty easy job to me, so I took a correspondence course on how to become a male dancer. Now I don't do all the hoochy-coochie moves they taught me, but I do enough to make the ladies take notice, if you know what I mean. I've been doing this for 15 years now. I don't make a bunch of money, but I make enough to keep my liquor cabinet full.

I have a couple of pets. I got 3 turtles 1 monkey and 1 cat. I had a bird too, but it flew away, as birds are wont to do. Anyway, the monkey likes to play drums on the turtles shells. It's so funny! Like a scene from the Flintstones. You know what the Flintstones are, right? Sometimes the monkey flings his poop around the mobile home, but I'm working on teaching him to use the can (that's American for "toilet").

Well, like i said before, I don't get paid until Friday (tomorrow). Hey, I bet it's Friday where you are! Or is it still Thursday? That whole international date line thing messes up my head. So you might be emailing me from the future! Wow.. that's something to think about. Makes my head throb.

I tried calling you. That's a lot of digits for a phone number. My phone cant handle all those numbers. It's one of those pre-paid phones - a Cockroach or something. Pillbug. Cricket! That's it. Cricket! Anyway, I wont have any money until tomorrow, so I'll email you again then.

Yours truely,

Jethro

From: UBA Group allengodwill@group.com
Date: Fri, 03 Jun 2011 07:42:43 +1000
Subject: Dear; Jethro Beauregard,
Reply-To: ubagroup_godwill@9.cn

Dear; Jethro Beauregard,

Your mail was recieved, And it is well noted. i will lke to inform you that i get paid today and i have sent the $400.00 USD to MR.Gorge Raymond
this afternoon. you are to complete the balance and send it to him so we can commense on the transfer once it is comfirm.

NOTE; That the FUNDS will be fully completed first thing on saturday once he comfirm the balance that is to be sent to him
first thing tomorrow by you.

NOTE; That you have nothing to be afrade of, This bank those not condue any fraudulent activity.

Regarding your consince about my personal information is a good thing to be ask of mine information. My position in this bank
can not allow souch, For enquiering feel free to call me if you have any consine as am here to help you get this FUNDS.

And I have put all security in place to help monitor the transfer.

My family and i are fine i have two kids and a wife leaving together my wife work as norse in a private hospital here i NIGERIA

PLEASE once you send the $600.00 USD tomorrow call me to inform me and fax the PAYMENT SLIP to my office for verification. and do not
forget to send back to me the $400.00 USD loan out to you.

once again my regards to your family too.

MR.Allen O Godwill
Phone;+234-708-9779-324


From: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
To: ubagroup_godwill@9.cn
Subject: RE: Dear; Jethro Beauregard,
Date: Thu, 2 Jun 2011 17:20:30 -0700

I'm glad you wrote back so quickly! I'm working on your Spinal Tap mix tape. You never did tell me if you heard of the Tap. Well, you're about to get a full 90 minutes of their hot rockin' licks! Side A is just about done being recorded, so I can't spend long writing this. I'm gonna have some room left over on the tape and I thought I'd put on a song or two of my work. Would you rather hear me sing the Macarena or More Than A Feeling? Hurry and let me know! It's almost time to record!

Jethro

P.S. I'm going to label your tape "The Tap Tape" Aint that a great name! Because Tap and Tape sound alike. They look alike too. You might not get that because american probably isn't your native language, but trust me.. It's great!



From: UBA Group allengodwill@group.com
Date: Sat, 04 Jun 2011 07:18:28 +1000
Subject: Act urgently.
Reply-To: ubagroup_godwill@9.cn

Dear

Good day, i have sent the 400.00 USD to Mr.Gorge Raymond, the account officer yesterday and please it is already Friday in your country now. and you should try and send the balance 600.00 USD to him so we can complete the transfer to you, and once you have sent the money to him through western union you should inform me and FAX a copy of the PAYMENT SLIP to my office for verification.

PLEASE my 400.00 USD I loan out to you, try and send it to me after you have received your FUNDS.,

I want to thank you for the tape you promise to send me i am very glad thanks.

PLEASE the contact number you give to us is not connecting try and send a valid number to us so we can contact on telephone for folder information.

THANKS FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING.


MR.Allen O. Godwill

From: UBA Group allengodwill@group.com
Date: Sun, 05 Jun 2011 06:52:40 +1000
Subject: Attention:Jethro Beauregard,
Reply-To: ubagroup_godwill@9.cn

Attention:Jethro Beauregard,

Good day now are you doing to day, hope all is well. I was contacted to by MR.Gorge Raymond, regarding the balance payment for the insurance cover and he told me that he has not received any payment from you as you promise pleas get to me with the details of the payment of the $600.00 USD that you are to send to him so we can proceed with the transfer.

please act fast and know that the $400.00 USD I loan out to you is very important and i do not want any thing to go wrong with this transfer as delay is very RISK.

THANKS FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING.

MY BEST REGARDS.

MR.Allen .O.Godwill


From: xxxxxxxxxxxx
To: ubagroup_godwill@9.cn
Subject: RE: Attention:Jethro Beauregard,
Date: Sat, 4 Jun 2011 14:33:02 -0700


What day is it? Is it Saturday? Man, I've got one hell of a hangover.. Can't remember what happened yesterday at all! Must have been good though.. I woke up with about 15 of those little drink umbrellas stuck in my hair. And I'm afraid I have some bad news for you Al. Can I call you Al? You can call me Betty. You can be my bodyguard and I can be your long lost pal. Seems I spent quite a bit of money on booze last night. Hard to tell exactly, except my billfold is pretty empty. I've only got about $317. Can you lend me another $200? I can probably sell my turtles and get another $100. Do you think I should sell my turtles? Don't even think about telling me to sell my monkey. That's not gonna happen. Ask my ex-wife.

Speaking of my ex-wife, you sure are starting to sound like her.. All you ever talk about is money money money. Just like her. "Where's my money?" Blah blah blah. Just like my landlord. Just like those people at the credit card company that keep calling me. I'm starting to think you are only interested in my money. You better change that. I need to feel like you're my friend before I go sending money to you. Tell me about yourself. What are the names of your kids? (My pets are named Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde (that's the monkey).) How tall are you? What color are your eyes? How many teeth do you have? What is your favorite color? I need to know these things to feel comfortable doing business with you.

Jethro


From: Allen Godwill ubagroup_godwill@9.cn
To: xxxxxxxxxx
Subject: RE: Attention:Jethro Beauregard,
Date: Sat, 4 Jun 2011 19:35:08 -0500

Attention


Good day to you, I am very not happy to hear you speak let this you are not business concourse

i do not know how to help in this case i have spent almost my salary i told you that i have family responsibility to take care of i do not know how to help really i have no money left what you have to do not to have delay on the transfer you can send the 300.00 USD to MR.Gorge Raymond the account officer to day once it is Sunday i try to see one of my friend to see if he can lend me some money to complete it because we are delay in paying up this insurance feel.




please you have to send a valid telephone number to immediately so i can call you personally.




THANK FOR UNDERSTANDING


MR.Allen O Godwill.

From: xxxxxxxxxxxx
To: ubagroup_godwill@9.cn
Subject: RE: Attention:Jethro Beauregard,
Date: Sat, 4 Jun 2011 22:06:32 -0700

And I am not very happy with the way you are treating me. Now you listen here Al - I've got my $317 all sealed up in an envelope ready to take down to the Western Union office, but you aint done a single thing I ask you to do yet. This is a very lopsided relationship and I won't stand for it! Now if you want me to send you that $317, you need to answer the questions I asked you last time. To repeat:

1. What are the names of your kids?
2. How tall are you?
3. What color are your eyes?
4. How many teeth do you have?
5. What is your favorite color?

Jethro


From: Allen Godwill ubagroup_godwill@9.cn
To: xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: ACT AS INSTRUCTED.
Date: Sun, 5 Jun 2011 12:14:35 -0500

Attention:Jethro Beauregard.

Good day to you,Your mail was recieved and it is well noted regarding the transfer of your FUND, you should try and send the
$300.00 USD that you have to MR.Gorge Raymond to day so we can fanalise the transfer.

Below is my personal profile.

1)NAMES OF CHILDREN: David and Keller
2)hight; 6ft and 5inch
3)COLOR OF EYES:White
4)NUMBERS OF TEETH: 32
5)FAVORITE COLOR:Blue

NOTE; You are to make the PAYMENT latest to day and get back to us with the Details and fax a copy PAYMENT SLIP.

BEST REGARDS.

MR.Allen O Godwill


From: xxxxxxxxxxxx
To: ubagroup_godwill@9.cn
Subject: RE: ACT AS INSTRUCTED.
Date: Sun, 5 Jun 2011 15:18:50 -0700

Why thank you! It's about time! I feel like we are friends now! White sure is a strange eye color. I was talking about the colored circle part in the middle of your eye, not the other part. Mine are white there too - well, red now on account of all the liquor I've been drinking, but the colored circle part of my eye color is brown. What color is yours?

I went down to the Western Union office today, but they are closed on Sunday. I was walking back to my mobile home and a great idea occurred to me! I thought of a way to get the full $1000 for your! That way you can get your money back! So I stopped at the local liquor store and bought $417 worth of lottery tickets! Was that a great plan or what! The drawing is tonight and with all those lottery tickets, I'm sure I'll be a big winner! I should also tell you that I sold my turtles for $100. I was sad to see them go, but I felt real bad about spending all that money on booze when I had promised it to you. But at least I still have my monkey. So don't worry.. Tomorrow, when the Western Union office opens, I'll take my lottery winnings and send you $1000!

Jethro

P.S. Did you get the Tap Tape yet? I forgot to ask if you have cassette players in Nigeria. I hope you do!


From: Allen Godwill ubagroup_godwill@9.cn
To: xxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: Payment Instruction.
Date: Sun, 5 Jun 2011 23:30:38 -0500

Dear Jethro Beauregard.


Your mail was received, I very sorry about the news that you have to sale your turtles for $100.

I am not too have about that sorry.


please once you made the payment Mr.Gorge Raymond you send to our office the require details of payment from the western union.


NOTE.;Tomorrow is first working day once we received the details for and it is completed your FUND will transfer to you as it take 24 hour to reflect in your BANK ACCOUNT.


BELOW IS THE INFORMATION YOU NEED TO MAKE PAYMENT VIA WESTERN UNION.


=============================================================
UNITED BANK OF AFRICA[U.B.A]
Registered office: 261 Tower Building Estate,Gariki,Abuja,23452.
SWIFT: DABAGB2B
Switching to UNITED BANK OF AFRICA [U.B.A]

Attention :

Below is our account officer details that you are to use to make the payment for the insurance cover.

Note that immediately we receive your payment for the insurance cover we will immediately effect the transfer the funds into your account.

GOTO Western-Union-Money-Transfer, AND USE THE BELOW FOR PAYMENT VIA Western-Union-Money-Transfer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Receivers Full Names: George Raymond.

Receivers Address: 663 Grace Dr, Benin, Edo, Nigeria. 23452.

Amount To Be Sent: $300.00 USD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When You have made the above payment as instruted Via Western-Union-Money-Transfer, send back to us the below required details of payment, for confirmation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sender's First Name:...................................

Sender's Last Names:...................................

Country/city/state/zipcode of where money is sentfrom:.....................................................

Sender's Address:...................................

Sender phone No:....................................

MTCN [Money Transfer Code Number].............................

Amount Sent:..........................................

Text Question : ...........................

Text Answer :..........................

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once the payment is made, you are to FAX A COPY OF THE PAYMENT SLIP FROM WESTERN UNION TO Fax: + 1-309-214-6065 and we will receive it. and also fill the above required details of payment via email to enable the us confirm the payment and start processing your transfer with immediate effect.

We are glad to be of service to you
.We anticipate your immediate action on this matter of world interest.

Mr. Allen O'Godwill

Transfer Department,
Inspector Abdural Rowe,

CC: The Presidency
CC: Federal Ministry of Finance
CC: Federal Ministry of Justice
Tel: :+234-708-977-9324



From: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
To: ubagroup_godwill@9.cn
Subject: RE: Payment Instruction.
Date: Mon, 6 Jun 2011 12:35:33 -0700

Oh Al, I have some terrible, terrible news! You know all those lottery tickets I bought? I didn’t win! Well, I won $5 on one, but I used that to buy a Snickers bar and a Slim Jim because I don’t have any more money now and I was hungry something fierce. I can’t believe I didn’t win thousands of dollars! My mama always said the only luck I have is bad luck and I guess she was right. So now I’m flat broke. I have no money and my rent is due and I need to buy some Monkey Chow for Clyde and some food for me. And I lost my job as a dancer yesterday! I tried to make some extra money by offering my "services" to a lady, but she ratted me out to the man and he fired me on the spot. Have you ever had to walk home in buttless chaps after midnight? It was very cold.



I had nowhere else to turn, so I called my ex-wife and begged her to lend me some money. I told her what I had done and all about our emails. She called me twelve kinds of a fool and wouldn’t lend me any money. She also sent her lawyer over and he made copies of all our emails. He doesn’t think you are telling the truth. But you told me the names of your kids and how many teeth you have! How could you be lying to me?? Al, I hate to say it, but I think you might be the cause of all my problems. Ever since I got your email, I’ve had nothing but money problems. And you made me sell my turtles, so I can’t even talk to them about it. They were like brothers to me! And now they’re gone! Gone! Whenever I walk by their empty plastic pool, I’m overwhelmed with guilt. I sold them out! What kind of brother am I?? My life feels so empty and hollow. I rue the day I read your first email! Let this be a lesson to you – the love of money will ruin your life! Repent now! Save yourself and your wife and kids from a life of despair and heartbreak!

Jethro


I've had no response to that email and probably won't. The guy finally realized he won't be getting any money out of me.

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Let's Talk Larry Ellison: Trees and Other Things

Let's face it, children, rich people are different from other people. We're not talking about the run of the mill rich people who make half a million or two million a year, we're talkin' the super-papered and über-pampered peeps for whom money really does grow on trees.

Take for instance billionaire tech tycoon Larry Ellison, co-founder and CEO of software supernova Oracle. The bearded and buff 66-year old claims a reported net worth near forty billion dollars. Say it slowly and let that sink in, butter cups. Forty. Billion. Dollars. Sorta makes a person need a nerve pill just to contemplate that sort of money, don't it?

In 1988 Bay Area-based Mister Ellison, paid $3,900,000 for a 10,742 square foot contemporary mansion on Billionaire's Row, a particularly posh stretch of street of the supuh-swank Pacific Heights 'hood in San Francisco, CA.
The four-story residence sits high on a quintessentially steep San Francisco hill where a quartet of very old trees that include an 80-year old acacia have grown tall enough to obstruct Mister Ellioson's otherwise unobstructed panoramic view of the San Francisco Bay. (See above for actual photo of the obstructed view from Mister Ellison's third floor living room.) The tall stand of view-wrecking trees are not, alas, in Mister Ellison's backyard but rather root into the yard of his down-hill neighbors, the von Bothmers. Mister Ellison and the von Bothmers have long been in a protracted legal tangle over Mister Ellison's strong desire to top the von Bothmer's trees in a manner that preserves his panoramic view. For truly a fascinating blow by blow, the children can peruse the Wall Street Journal's recent account of the tree top dramatics that ensued between Mister Ellison and his tree-loving neighbors.
Reports surfaced that after a decade of dispute and legal wrangling Mister Ellison has become so frustrated that he planned to spend a staggering $40,000,000 to purchase the giant mansion immediately next door (rear exterior shown above at left), a spectacular and storied four-floor residence with sober exterior, magnificently ornate interiors and bays views blessedly unimpeded by any of those naughtly ol' trees. Mister Elliman later released a statement claiming he is not now nor has he any plans to purchase the mansion next door to his for $40,000,000 or any other amount of money.

All this brouhaha comes hot on the heels of another stupefyingly expensive real estate acquisition by Mister Ellison. In mid-March 2011 the property mad tycoon shelled out a gut-wrenching $42,900,000 to acquire a 249-acre high-maintenance estate in Rancho Mirage, CA with a private 18-hole golf course and an 18,000+ square foot main house plus four guest casitas and four two-bedroom guest houses of nearly 2,000 square feet apiece. Didn't we tell you that rich people are different from regular people? Presumably this is a lavish spread that Mister Ellison will use, at best, a few weeks of the year when he's in town for the BNP Paribas Open in Indian Wells, CA and maybe a few more weeks a year when he wants to golf without the interruption of other golfers.

Anyhoodles poodles, the mansion Mister Ellison says he is definitely not buying for forty million clammers or any other amount is a fascinating piece of San Francisco history, built in 1916 and owned since 1979 by the high-society matriarch, art patroness and haute couture dynamo Dodie Rosekrans and her second husband John, an heir to the the Sprekels family sugar fortune. Mister Rosekrans–who went on to earn his own fortune manufacturing and selling Frisbees, boogie boards and hacky sacks–met his maker in November 2001 and the iconoclastic Missus Rosekrans carried on until November 2010 with the dignity of a woman of her station and a daring, horrifically expensive and sometimes wacky sense of personal style.

The glittering and glamorous Missus Rosekrans and her wealthy Mister had the Willis Polk-designed mansion done over by San Francisco's legendary decorator Michael Taylor. Many years later Missus Rosekrans claimed never to have altered a damn thing that Mister Taylor had done. And why would she? What ever would be wrong with a decorative vignette comprised of a snug arched corridor lined with meticulous mill work that bursts into a capacious living room with towering plaster pilasters that line the walls, herringbone-patterned wood floors, gilded 18th-century arm chairs upholstered in chartreuse silk-velvet and a curving sofa with fringed skirt and a leopard skin–with the head–tossed across the back? Oh, and let's not forget the Picasso that lords over the thrilling tableau. Okay, the actual leopard skin makes us feel squeamish and icky but Michael Taylor was a genius, hunties, and Missus Rosekrans's San Francisco mansion explains why he owns a high place in the pantheon of legendary decorators.
He may not be the buyer of the Rosekrans mansion (at right above) that's slammed up hard to his current crib (at left above) but, hunnies, it really wouldn't be such a surprise if had bought or did in the future buy the palatial pile; Mister Ellison has previously purchased ludicrously expensive adjacent properties in high-priced California communities. Mister Ellison owns well over $100,000,000 in Malibu real estate including a handful of homes on Carbon Beach, also known as Billionaire's Beach due to the number of high profile billionaires (Jeffrey Katzenberg, Haim Saban, David Geffens et al) who own homes along that particular stretch of sand. Three of the homes five homes Mister Ellison currently owns on Carbon Beach sit right in a row and records show they were purchased between June 2008 and August 2003 at a toe-curling total cost of $33,250,000. He also owns another small house down the beach a bit that actress Jennifer Aniston leased for some time after her bust up from Brad Pitt in the early naughts.

Anyone who follows the high-end of the real estate market in Lala Land knows that Mister Ellison's real estate apple didn't fall very far from the tree. Earlier in 2011 Mister Ellison's budding film producer daughter Megan completed the pricey purchase of a third contiguous property high above the Sunset Strip. According to property records, previous reports and Your Mama's bejeweled abacus, we figure that young Miss Ellison–presumably with money received from her property obsessed father–has spent an astonishing $32,850,000 on her three contiguous clean-lined contemporary cribs that combined have three swimming pools, 10 bedrooms and 14 full and 1 half bathrooms.

Naturally, we have no idea what Miss Ellison plans to do with the property. Given the money-is-no-object real estate attitude of the Ellison it would not surprise Your Mama in the least if Miss Ellison planned to knock one or more of her three homes down to make way for an estate designed and optimized for her precise life and life style. Stranger things have happened.

Just look what billionaire hedge hog David Tepper has done out in Southampton, NY. Last year he spent $43,500,000 to acquire the 6.45 acre ocean front estate of the ex-wife of former U.S. Senator and governor of New Jersey Jon Corzine. This year, peeved he was unable to see the ocean from the first floor of the existing house, Mister "I want what I want at any cost" Tepper demolished the existing residence and the estate's various out buildings to make way for a much more substantial mansion of around 15,000 square feet, nearly three times the size of ex-Missus Corzine's former and now no longer existing beach house.

In addition to the massive main house, Mister Tepper's new beach front getaway, according to plans filed with the town of Sagaponack Village Building Department will also include a 1,000-ish square foot 3-car garage with basement, a 550-square foot pool house and a 270-square foot tennis pavilion.

Sagaponack, once the quiet domain of potato farmers, artists and beach-going others who willfully opted out of the staid old money scene in Southampton and the glittery new money extravaganza of East Hampton, has become inundated over the last 10 or 15 years with prodigious amounts of Wall Street money that has swept in like a tidal wave and transformed the once bucolic and relaxed farming community into a crush of newly erected mega-mansions.

The current issue of Vanity Fair includes an article about the mesmerizing real estate tale of a Houston businessman engaged in a decade-long dispute with an old Sagaponack farming family that illustrates how money–really big money–has infiltrated, re-shaped and re-defined–and some might argue infected and destroyed–the once sleepy and scenic seaside enclave.

Back on the west coast showbiz mogul Jeffrey Katzenberg paid an astounding $35,000,000 in early 2010 for an 8,704 square foot mid-century modern mansion on a prominent 6.34 acre hilltop in Beverly Hills. He immediately razed the existing house to make way for something bigger and better rumored to be designed by the folks at Gwathmey Siegel, the same firm responsible for his impressive post-modern ocean front compound on Malibu's Carbon Beach.

As extraordinary as these things may seem to ordinary folks and mere financial mortals, billionaires (and near billionaires) who spend vast sums of money to acquire contiguous high-priced properties and/or purchase shockingly expensive but perceptually sub-par residences they replace with newer, bigger and shinier ones, appear to be the new normal for the super rich.

Do not, without aid of a cocktail and a mood altering substance, even begin to attempt to make sense of the capricious real estate ways of the famous and/or the filthy rich. Your Mama–under the influence of an illegal substance and with a tall gin & tonic in hand–wonders then, if some money-is-no-object buyer will snatch up Jennifer Aniston's $42,000,000 house in Beverly Hills or Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi's sixty million dollar compound in the Hills of Beverly only to tear everything down and start again. Anyone care to weigh in on that bone chilling possibility?

NOTE: This post revised late same day in light of crucial and more current information we failed to uncover during in our earlier (and inadequate) research.

photo(top): Google
photo (middle): Ellison v. Von Bothmer case file from the Wall Street Journal
photo (bottom) Google

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Your Mama Keeps Hearing...

...That New York City-bound sitcom star and rom-com queen Jennifer Aniston is moments away from selling the Beverly Hills, CA mansion she dubbed Ohana.

Miss Aniston acquired the house in November 2006 for $13,500,000 from prolific contemporary art collector and art industry tour de force Rosette Delug. She spent the next four years on an expansion and complete overhaul of the 10,000-ish square foot residence originally designed in 1972 by noted modernist architect Hal Leavitt. Almost as soon as the paint was dry Miss Aniston had a real estate change of heart and listed Ohana–which means extended family or some such thing in Polynesian-speak–in March 2011 with a sky-high price tag of $42,000,000, a dizzying number that caused more than a few real estate watchers to gasp with horror and indignation at what they thought was an audacious and unrealistic asking price.

We first heard the scuttlebutt about the possible sale of Miss Aniston's Ohana from Bev Hills real estate insider Nina Knowsthedirt who snitched to Your Mama a few weeks ago that Miss Aniston had received two offers for her supah-swank city view estate, both over $35,000,000. At that point, according to Nina, Miss Aniston's top-producing Real Estate put word out to the small group of folks in Tinseltown who can and do sell forty million dollar houses that if they had any possible buyers for Ohana they should get them into the house lickety-split because Miss Aniston was eager to accept an already on the table offer. Disbelief reigned amongst all the economic Chicken Littles who insist the real estate sky is still falling.

One week after Nina dropped her celebrity real estate 411 in our inbox Your Mama received a covert communique from trusted informant Crawzuhdeen from the Shawlza who whispered that word on the Platinum Triangle Real Estate Street was that Miss Aniston's estate had been put into escrow by ridiculously rich Russian oligarch Roman Abramovich and his much younger arty-farty baby momma Dasha Zhukova, herself an heiress to a substantial oil and arms fortune. When we went back and queried Nina on the matter, she told us that the Real Estate of the notorious trophy property collector denied her Russian multi-billionaire clients are the buyers of Ohana. Make of that what you will, puppies.

This week Your Mama received additional intel from a third source, a foreign gal in the Lala Land real estate game whom we'll call Upinda Everyonesbizness. Ol' Upinda, who is not Jewish but is none-the-less a devoted real estate yenta of the highest order, swears on her momma's life that Ohana is indeed in escrow–for $38,000,000 give or take a million–and that she too hears through the gossip grapevine the buyer is, "that Russian with the big boat."

At first we thought maybe Ol' Upinda might be referring to Russian fertilizer magnate and billionaire Andrey Melnichenko who caused considerable kerfuffle and around which swirled scads of real estate prattle and chatter last fall when he had is huge and sinister-looking boat A anchored off the coast of Venice.

Given that sorting out the details of a not yet completed transaction is a lot like the telephone game where details easily become distorted and/or muddled to the point of inaccuracy in their retelling, the "Russian with the big boat" could easily be Mister Melnichenko. To complicate matters Your Mama was also told that the buyer of Ohana might be a New York City financier. However, all signs and most sources with whom we consulted continue to point directly at Mister Abramovich who, as many of the children surely know, owns a gargantuan private yacht called Eclipse about the size of a damn oil tanker.

Official listings still show Ohana as available with an asking price of $42,000,000 and while somewhat misleading we suspect the listing will remain marked as "active" and available until this (alleged) deal is done done done like a Thanksgiving turkey.

Miss Aniston, who reportedly plans to relocate to New York City, continues to own a far more modest home high above the Sunset Strip she purchased in early 1993 for $751,000 so she'll be far from west coast homeless after she sells her Bev Hills house. The actress, who grew up in the N.Y.C., recently closed on two small but hideously expensive adjacent apartments in a prime pre-war edifice in New York City's West Village. One, a high-floor one bedroom, cost her $2,069,084 and the other, an itty-bitty one-bedroom penthouse directly above, scooped another $4,950,000 from her deep pockets. Your Mama hears through the celebrity real estate gossip grapevine that Miss Aniston is also currently in contract to purchase a third one bedroom apartment in the building adjacent to the two million dollar one bedroom and listed with an asking price of $1,995,000.

The unlucky in love actress–who, quite frankly, seems far happier about her life than the tabs portray–has said in the past that a desire to simplify her life is part of the reason for her selling her big ol' Beverly Hills house and looking east. Of course it ain't none of our beeswax and certainly Miss Aniston could give a fat crap what we think about diddly squat but it just doesn't seem very damn simple to Your Mama for a person to spend nine or so million dollars for three wee apartments that will require many millions more and a couple of years to properly reconfigure and transform into a still modestly-scaled penthouse duplex outfitted and all did up proper for showbiz royalty.

Your Mama wonders where Miss Aniston with reside after she sells her house in Beverly Hills and before the completion of her new duplex in New York City. Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

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Kate Hudson Buys House Next Door

BUYER: Kate Hudson (and Matt Bellamy)
LOCATION: Pacific Palisades, CA
PRICE: $5,300,000
SIZE: 7,014 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Several months ago Your Mama heard from a well-placed source we'll call Lucinda Liquidluncher who nonchalantly dropped the celebrity real estate nugget that currently preggers serial monogamist Kate Hudson and her whip-skinny British rock star baby daddy/fiancée Matt Bellamy–lead singer of Muse–were on the hunt for exceptionally expensive houses on the West Side of Los Angeles. We're talking serious mansions, my pretties, mansions in the $15-20,000,000 range. Real damn big-shitter stuff.

It was not long after that when rumors and reports ran up into our inbox that the romantically fickle Oscar-nominated actress and her Muse musician man-friend bought a four-million pound property in London and eyeballed a vintage Spanish mansion in the Los Feliz area, a world away from from their target area of the west side. We have no idea if Miss Hudson and Mister Bellamy bought a house in London or not but we do know that the soon-to-be parents' real estate trail quickly went all cotton mouth on Your Mama until yesterday when we happened upon documentation that indicates Miss Hudson splashed out $5,300,000 to purchase the 1935 Tudor Revival style pile immediately next door to her long-time residence in the insouciant but exceptionally posh and deceptively staid ocean side enclave of Pacific Palisades.

Despite her search in some of the other top-end zip codes on the west side it seems Miss Hudson couldn't escape the sentimental and familial tug of Pacific Palisades where she has not only lived in the same traditional style house since 2003 but also spent at least some of her childhood. Her magnificent mother Goldie Hawn and still-hunky step-daddy Kurt Russell are long-time residents of the quiet community and, in fact, according to The Movieland Directory, Miz Hawn and Mister Russell once owned the very house that Miss Hudson now (and again) calls home.

Miss Hudson did not, however, inherit or buy the house from her famous parents. They sold the house–we're not actually sure when–and eventually it came to be owned by screenwriter Barbara Gallagher who was also the long-time gal pal and baby momma of now-deceased (and gay) clothing designer Perry Ellis. Miss Hudson purchased the house from Miss Gallagher in December of 2003 for $5,400,000. When you're young, ridiculously rich and feeling nostalgic you can do things like that, spend more than five million bucks to buy your childhood home.

As for Miz Hawn and Mister Russell, at the latter end of the summer of 2004 they paid $4,124,591 for a 5,000-ish square foot house directly across the street from the 12,860 square foot pile they sold later in November of the same year for $12,000,000 to comedian Adam Sandler.

The property recently purchased by Miss Hudson–and presumably Mister Bellamy although we haven't any idea whatsoever of the details of what his financial involvement is or is not–was built in 1935 by an heir to a lumber fortune and was owned and expanded in the late 1980s and early 1990s by showbiz executive Brad Grey and his now ex-spouse Jill. Listing information shows the L-shaped house currently contains five bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms in 7,014 square feet.

A double-gated drive arches around to a small but prairie-like motor court dominated by a front-facing three-car garage. The front door is tucked into a corner of the dignified brick and stone that wraps round the main floor and supports a half-timbered second floor and that steeply pitched gabled roof. While the rear of the house maintains a correct sort of quirkiness, the front façade emits not just an air of architectural authenticity but also suffers from, regrettably, the posture of a semi-suburban mcmansion.

Inside the updated residence retains original features such as a generously proportioned formal living room with fireplace, an oak-paneled dining room and mahogany-paneled library with built-in book cases, fireplace and vaulted ceiling. The fully re-worked and commodious kitchen, re-did by the seller, has all the bells and whistles that ought to be expected in a five million dollar mansion including a Mercedes-sized center island, commercial-grade appliances, butler's pantry, breakfast area and lounge that opens through French doors to a terrace that overlooks the backyard. There's not really much in the kitchen that floats Your Mama's decorative boat; It's just not our style. But it's the ominous pot rack over the center island that really has us grabbing for the gin because it looks to Your Mama's paranoia like that thing has a sinister ache in its inanimate soul to drop a copper pot or two on to the soft skull of an unsuspecting minimum wage domestic worker.

Although not original to the house a voluminous space above the expanded garage now includes a family room with vaulted ceiling and built-in entertainment cabinet, a guest bedroom, not one but two bathrooms, a loft and workout room with mirrored walls and toxin-eradicating sauna.

A wide stone patio, part of which is covered by a pergola structure, runs the length of the back of the house, has a tree-top view over the surrounding neighborhood and steps down to a small flat patch of grass hardly big enough for a celebrity child-sized jungle gym. A white picket fence and a row of tightly-planted prickly white-rose bushes surrounds the swimming pool and raised spa. Little kiddies who like to play house will adore the people-sized play house that has a wee front yard of its own.

We don't know a microwave from a moron so Your Mama really can't say what Miss Hudson and Mister Bellamy's plans are for these two adjacent properties. Perhaps they'll leave the structures separate but marry them via the landscaping. Could be they'll convert one of the large residences to an guest/entertainment pavilion with sound-proofed recording facilities. Or maybe they're hire a really smart and expensive architect to figure out a way to combine the two large houses into one super-sized celebrity-style mansion. Or perhaps, just a thought not a prediction, they'll opt to tear one of the houses down to make way for expanded grounds that could easily accommodate a lighted tennis court, guest house, recording studio and/or staff quarters. Miss Hudson is well-known among the celebrity for her annual Halloween bash so the extra space could also be utilized for additional off-street party parking with enough space to spare for a party tent to be erected at will and as needed.

We shall see, puppies, we shall see. Maybe one day Miss Hudson will invite curious little ol' Your Mama to her next Halloween party and then we'll know just what she's done with the place. Just a suggestion.

listing photos: Sotheby's International Realty / Beverly Hills

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Glee's Ryan Murphy Snatches One Up in Malibu

BUYER: Ryan Murphy
SELLER: Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend
LOCATION: Malibu, CA
PRICE: $6,562,500
SIZE: 2,095 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: It seems television and movie writer/producer/director Ryan Murphy is starting to make a real estate habit of buying the historic homes of Oscar winning actresses.

Much to the chagrin of some righty-tighties Mister Murphy, a former journalist, has created some of the gayest and most homoerotic programs ever to air on the tee-vee (Glee, Nip/Tuck and Popular) as well as several screenplays that include the Julia Roberts vehicle Eat Pray Love and the movie adaption of Augusten Burroughs' high-larious and disturbing memoir Running With Scissors, which, all due respect, was a much better book than movie.

Your Mama has for weeks been getting dribs and drabs about Mister Murphy's recent real estate doings and just yesterday finally received the hard core confirmation and specific information we sought for from our wonderfully helpful informant Lucy Spillerguts. Yesterday, while discussing the real estate matters of an different actor and his supermodel wife, ol' Lucy whispered in our celebrity real estate craving ear that Mister Murphy just bought Oscar winning actress Charlize Theron's Malibu, CA beach house.

The last few years have been exceptionally lucrative for forty-something year old Mister Murphy and his shooting star has enabled him to purchase a ticket on Mr. Toad's Celebrity Real Estate Wild Ride. In May of 2001 Mister Murphy bought a Carl Maston-designed house discreetly tucked up in the hills behind the perennially fab Chateau Marmont Hotel. It's not known what he paid but based on our research Your Mama believes it was somewhere around two million bigguns. His real estate foot first became itchy in May 2008 when he first put his contemporary crib on the block with an asking price of $4,195,000. Finally, nearly three long year's later according to property records, Mister Murphy sold the wood, glass and concrete residence in early April 2011 for $2,775,000.

In September of 2010, more than six months before he sold his white elephant in the hills, Mister Murphy possessed the financial chutzpah to splash out $10,000,000 to acquire a fully restored, updated and upgraded Ralph Flewelling-designed Colonial Revival-style mansion in Beverly Hills, CA. The 8,434 square foot mansion, originally built in 1927, contains 7 bedroom and 9 bathrooms and was sold by Oscar-winning actress Diane Keaton (Annie Hall, Marvin's room, Something's Gotta Give), a well-known flipper of high-end architecturally significant houses in southern California.

With his in-town residence taken care of, Mister Murphy soon went a-shopping for a house in Malibu. Mister Murphy eventually settled on the petite but pricey beach front house of Academy Award winner and Christian Dior stink water spokes model Charlize Theron (North Country, Monster, The Italian Job). Records (and Redfin) show the property was purchased for the complicated price of $6,562,500.

Miss Theron purchased her ocean front residence in late 2001 for $2,200,000. About 18 months later she added the name of her then man-friend–far less successful Irish-born actor Stuart Townsend (Queen of the Damned, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen)–to the deed.

In early 2010, on the still-warm heels of their bust up, Miss Theron and Mister Townsend put their ocean front getaway on the rental market at $30,000 per month. Towards the end of the year the erstwhile lovebirds of nine or so years officially put their modestly-scaled but still quite expensive beach house on the open market with an asking price of $7,500,000. In late March 2011, just before Mister Murphy swooped in and scooped the place up for $6,562,500, the asking price was dropped to $6,995,000.

Listing information shows the house was originally built in 1930 and measures just 2,095 square feet. That's practically a doll house compared to the steroidal real estate standards of the super rich today but–at least as far Your Mama is concerned–plenty big enough for a beach getaway just 25 or so miles from Miss Theron's primary Los Angeles residence in the the star-choked Outpost Estates neighborhood and just 17 or 18 miles from Mister Murphy's mansion in Bev Hills.

A tight two-car garage–where the washer and dryer are located–faces often traffic-clogged Pacific Coast Highway. An alarmed key-lock gate opens into a narrow walled courtyard that runs along the house and wraps around to the ocean side deck that hovers over the sand and includes fire pit, hot tub and shade-making structure with vibrant and magnificent tangerine-colored fabric panels that can be opened or closed depending on the amount of direct sun desired.

The house contains 3 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms. One of the bedrooms has a private entrance from the courtyard near the front gate and the cozy second-floor master bedroom has a vaulted ceiling, hardwood floors, wood-burning fireplace, built-in book shelves and a sparkling view of the ocean. The attached bathroom features double sinks, soaking tub in front of ocean view window and a glass-enclosed shower.

Glammy jewel tone colors and luscious tactile fabrics infuse the charming and otherwise unpretentiously-scaled beach shack with Hollywood a-lister goes to the the Bu style. The main living spaces include a water-side living room with stone fireplace and bay window with built-in banquette seating, a supermodel slim dining room with built-in banquette seating, a petite but well-equipped u-shaped kitchen with open shelving and and a glassed-in loggia-lounge where sliding glass doors integrate the interior areas with the party-sized deck that overlooks the sand and sea.

A number of nearby homes are owned (and sometimes occupied) by famous folks including itty-bitty and very busy actor Stephen Dorff who owns the boxy contemporary next door and comedian and celebrity poon hound David Spade whose spread is margarita mix (and/or condom) borrowing distance. A short stroll down the sand is Tinseltown widow Candy Spelling's two-parcel seaside pad and a bit further along is the Shabby Chic glitzorama that is Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne's long-unwanted Malibu residence they've have up for lease and/or on the market for about as long as Your Mama has had teeth.

Your Mama wonders, children: Are his two L.A. houses that combined cost him more than $16,000,000–plus a hillside house in Laguna Beach (CA) with panoramic coastal view–enough satiate Mister Murphy's real estate appetite or will he continue to snap up prime properties in other celebrity magnets like, say, Aspen and New York City? Maybe something in the Hamptons? Nothing screams entertainment industry success and real estate excess more than houses in Malibu and the Hamptons, right?

listing photos: Coldwell Banker / Beverly Hills North

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Cheech Marin Lists Second Malibu Residence

SELLER: Richard "Cheech" Marin
LOCATION: Malibu, CA
PRICE: $5,995,000
SIZE: 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Since sometime in the mid-1990s pothead actor and comedian turned respected and prolific art collector Richard Marin and his second wife Patti Heid began to buy up contiguous parcels on the now very hoity-toity Encinal Bluffs in the northern reaches of Malibu, CA. Some of their nearby neighbors now include Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie although it seems that peripatetic pair and their always-expanding brood rarely visit their lonely ocean front home in Malibu anymore.

Mister Marin is perhaps best known among those over the age of 40 as Cheech of the doobie-smoking duo Cheech and Chong. Mister Marin all but put his professional bong away after 8 Cheech and Chong films but he's been a busy beaver ever since with dozens of television and film appearances and roles (Judging Amy, Nash Bridges), a couple of children's records and a number of hugely successful animated film productions such as The Lion King and Cars. He also has a line of hot sauces that bear his name and mug. That's right, hot sauces.

As popular as Cheech may have been, Mister Marin's largest contribution to the world may not be that he tacitly taught millions of of teenagers how to roll a joint and smoke weed from a bong but rather he may well be best remembered as a committed, prolific and respected collector of Latin American artwork. Mister Marin's collection includes works by well known artists like Mexico's Diego Rivera as well pieces by a laundry list of other Latino and Latina art makers such as Carlos Almaraz, George Yepes, Patssi Valdez, Leo Limón, Margaret Garcia. Mister Marin's extensive collection–portions of which have toured not just once but twice–is not limited exclusively to Latin American artists. He has at least one word painting by American über-artist–and former Malibu resident–Ed Ruscha that hangs in a guest bedrooms. Imagine for a moment, children, having a collection so thick that you can hang a famous Ruscha painting in the damn guest room.

Anyhoo, as best as Your Mama can surmise and sort out from the property records, the Marin's Malibu compound eventually grew to include four (and possibly five) contiguous parcels that stretch from the Pacific Coast Highway to the steep bluff that tumbles down to the sand and surf. Altogether there are three residences, one that backs up to the highway, another directly on the ocean and a third in between. The center property appears to have been originally acquired in October of 1996. Mister and Second Missus Marin wound up in the court of dee-vorce sometime in the early to mid 2000s and in early 2011 ownership of that centrally-located piece of the Marin compound puzzle was transferred directly to Second Missus Marin.

Way back in the celebrity real estate Dark Ages of March 2007, not long after Your Mama started the wee engine to our little blog enterprise, we discussed Mister Marin's highway-side residence, a Craftsman-Tudor style mini-mansion then listed on the open market with an asking price of $3,595,000. The house, built in 1979, had been purchased–it appears to Your Mama based on the documents we looked at–along with an adjacent vacant parcel in September of 1998 for $1,585,000. At the time of our first discussion, the adjacent vacant parcel was also for sale separately with an asking price of $1,695,000.

Since then the 4 bedroom and 3.5 bathroom house has been on and off the market several times. The property, according to records, remains in Mister Marin's property portfolio and is now listed with a significantly slashed asking price of $1,999,950. The adjacent vacant parcel also remains in Mister Marin's list of real estate assets and–in truth, butter beans–Your Mama has no idea if it is still available for purchase and if so at what price.

Yesterday we received a thoughtful missive from The Rolling Stone who pointed our celebrity real estate nose back out to Malibu where Mister Marin has listed the ocean front mini-compound within a compound portion of his spread with an asking price of $5,9995,000.

It not entirely clear from available online property records when Mister Marin acquired to ocean front jewel in his property crown in Malibu. However, own it he does, at least until someone comes along and pays him a fair number of millions for the hippy-dippy mini-compound that
listing information shows includes a main house with three bedrooms and a guest house with fitness room with three more sleeping chambers. A detached music room–Third and Current Missus Marin Natasha Rubin is a pianist–completes the scene. Altogether, according to listing information, there are 6.5 bathrooms split between the various structures.
The living room, while large and in possession of a staggering ocean view, seems pleasantly prosaic in comparison to much of the property's architectural melodrama and fantastical hard scaping. Rich hardwood floors provide gravity for the vaulted and beamed ceiling and at one end a brick fireplace anchors the room and at the other two banks of sliding and French doors that converge and allow the eye soar nearly unimpeded out towards the humbling view.

The ocean view dining room, tucked into a windowed bay with beamed wood ceiling and a phenomenal chandelier that looks like a suit of chain mail dripping with amber-colored glass tulips. The dining room opens into the galley-style kitchen that features floors of a notably different sort of wood than in the other areas of the main floor, slab granite counter tops, unimpressive but adequate appliances–they are asking six mil here after all–and honey-colored cabinetry with very crunchy-granola bas-relief detailing. At the far end of the kitchen a quaint but tight built-in breakfast banquette tucked into a doghouse-shaped extrusion has windows on three sides and a vaulted, beamed and sky-lit ceiling.

The high-drama cathedral-like master bedroom features vaulted double height ceiling, exposed wood beams, hardwood floors, a wacky fireplace that looks like an over-scaled piece of ancient pottery. A shallow but extra-wide a bay window lined with floral stained glass offers an ocean view, built in banquette with storage drawers for pulling on hose and lacing up sneakers. While most of the large but far from over-sized master bathroom is an out-dated hot mess that could cause a migraine if we looked at the listing photo too long there are three features Your Mama wishes to acknowledge: the skylight (always good for proper pooper ventilation), the weird but brilliant little collection of mushroom-shaped table lamps and the curvaceous all-tile sunken soaking tub. All of those things are good in their own special way. Everything else? A real damn decorative peeper punishment.

Listing information calls the estate "Carmel in Malibu" and it does sort of remind Your Mama of the ocean-side, wind-swept and cliff-top extravaganza that is Carmel (CA). Listing information also labels the multiple structures as"Craftsman" in style and maybe this is a kind of upscale Summer of Love-inspired Craftsman-ish type dwelling. However, everywhere Your Mama looks we see whimsical but deadly serious homage to the great Spanish surrealist architect Antoni Gaudí. There are droopy bent-wood window frames that look like something out of a Dalí painting, some of the tile work in the master bathroom has a random ripple that makes it appear to be slowly melting. Stacked stones and bricks arch, warp and ribbon around a table with swirling brick pedestal to create an Alice in Wonderland-like built-in dining banquette and pizza oven while brick and stone retaining walls on the terraced bluff pucker and buckle with an oddly elegant, mesmerizing and sensual sense of decay.

Lush and haphazard but well-tended gardens weave their way around the various structures and include tree shaded lawns that roll and slope towards the bluff and a raised stone dining and lounging terrace on the edge of the bluff where the property's multi-million dollar view is at its best most expensive. Pathways and staircases lined with undulating stone and brick walls meander down the bluff to the 120 linear feet of sandy beach frontage. The manner in which the bluff was hard- and landscaped reminds Your Mama of a trip we once took to España with our bawdy but cultured pal Falsetta Knockers. One afternoon while whittling away a spectacular week in Barcelona we hopped in our rented Euro-hoopdie and drove out to the flamboyant Gaudí-designed Parc Güell. As far as Your Mama is concerned there are few parks cum tourist attractions that match the unfettered and yet well-considered exuberance of Parc Güell where awe-inspiring architectural whimsy happily wallows in a happy and fanciful marriage to genius engineering.

But we digress....In addition to his real estate holdings in Malibu, it's been reported in the past that Mister Marin owns a substantial home in the snazzy Sea Cliff area of San Francisco, CA, which makes an odd counter-cultural sort of sense. He and the current Missus Marin were, reportedly, married at said home in 2009. However, despite a few minutes poking around property records we don't find any evidence of Mister Marin owning a home in The City By the Bay. We did find an address to a cliff top mansion on at least one digital document at which we peeped, but further investigation shows that Mister Marian does not currently nor does it appear he ever owned that particular house. If any of the Bueller's want to chime in on and clarify the matter, please do.

listing photos: Coldwell Banker Previews International / Malibu

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