Kellan Lutz Rents New Crib in Venice

WHO: Kellan Lutz

WHERE: Venice, CA

PRICE: $7,250 per month

SIZE: 2,400 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms



YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In 2009 chisel-chested male model turned concrete-bodied actor Kellan Lutz asked his brother Randy to find him a roommate or two for the frumpy Van Nuys, CA house property records show he purchased in late 2005 for $715,000. The brother put a suggestively worded ad on Craigs List that stated he/they were "alcohol friendly" and "looking for very athletic guys" to move in and splash around with in the swimming pool and hot tub. It wasn't long before a gaggle of gym-toned gay gentleman were ringing Mister Lutz's bell. It was all, according to Mister Lutz, a laugh riot case of unfortunate wordsmithing by his bro Randy.



So that none of the children think Your Mama is insinuating something about Mister Kellan's proclivities that we know not a damn thing about: Until recently Mister Kellan was frequently reported to be hooked up with 90210 blond bomber AnnaLynne McCord. Previous to that he was romantically linked to actress Kayla Ewell–another member of what we think of as the Tinseltown Vampire Brigade–who shakes her money maker in The Vampire Diaries.



A few near pornographic underwear ads and a couple of bit acting parts in the mid-Noughts led beau-hunky blond Mister Lutz to a recurring role on the lone season of the sitcom The Comeback with Lisa Kudrow. A few more bit parts brought Mister Lutz to 2008 when he was lucky enough to be cast as muscle-bound teenage blood sucker Emmet Cullen in Twilight. The seemingly ceaseless Twilight franchise, a showbiz super-phenomena of epic money-making and cross-marketing proportions, quickly catapulted Mister Lutz to the pinnacle of gossip glossy fame. It's unlikely the meticulously man-scaped lamb can go to the damn 7-11 anymore with out a t(w)eenage girl, lonely lady or horny homo collapsing to the floor in the beer aisle from a burning rush of unrequited love and unrestrained lust.



Your Mama isn't sure if any alcohol friendly athletic dudes moved into Mister Lutz's 3 bedroom and 3 pooper bachelor pad in Van Nuys. We did, however, recently receive a covert communique from our friend and celebrity real estate snitch Lucy Spillerguts who whispered in Your Mama's big ear that Mister Lutz has done decamped the suburban streets of Van Nuys for the boho beach community of Venice where he recently leased a somewhat newly (re)constructed contempo-Craftsman-style crib just a few blocks from the beach near the Venice canals.



Listing information for the pristine-looking property that Your Mama cajoled up out of the interweb shows the two-story shingled residence measures around 2,400 square feet, includes 4 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms, and was leased by Mister Kellan at a rate of $7,250 per month.



A deep inset front porch with stacked-stone columns defines the entry to the fully re-habbed house with an open plan ground floor that orbits around a (melo)dramatic floating stone, wood and wrought iron stair case. The L-shaped main living space stretches across the back of the house and includes a living room with wide-plank wood floors and stacked stone double-sided fireplace. Banks of wood-framed glass panels flank the fireplace and open up to merge the room with the courtyard-like backyard. The living room area spills into a long dining room/kitchen with built-in buffet, center-island, mahogany cabinets, thinly veined black granite counter tops and super-sized commercial style stainless steel appliances.



Mister Kellan's new master suite on the second floor sports wood floors, an awkwardly located fireplace with flat-screen tee-vee mounted above it, walk-in closet, and wood-framed French doors that connect to a private balcony that hangs over the backyard. The clean-lined master crapper conveniently provides two sinks set into one long white marble counter top, a soaking tub long enough for Mister Kellan and a friend, and an over-sized shower space with flooring fashioned from randomly shaped slate pieces set into a bed of black pebbles. No one loves a natural element like rocks used for art or day-core more than Your Mama. We've been known to display piles of carefully curated rocks in our own home. Howevuh, we sincerely hope those shower floor pebbles are glued down and not scattered around loose where they could be a real and annoying pain in the tootsies.



Like most beach communities in California, lots tend towards tiny in Venice so in addition to the front porch and private balcony in the master bedroom, outdoor space was maximized with a sunbather beckoning roof deck and a tree-shaded backyard with flagstone terrace and Buddha-guarded koi pond. A detached structure–probably originally built as a garage–was converted to a home office/entertainment space with over-sized flat screen tee-vee and 10-speaker surround sound system. Sadly, the property lacks a swimming pool where porn-bodied Mister Lutz can horse around and play Marco Polo with his pin thin gal pals and buff man-buddies.



Property records show that Mister Lutz still owns his house in Van Nuys and a cursory look around did not turn up any (online) evidence of currently being on the (open) market.

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Real Estate Tips: Get to Know Generation Y

Back in April, we posted a blog titled, “Younger Generation Predicted to Turn Real Estate Market Around”. We focused primarily on the young families and adults that made up Generation X (32-45 year olds). New research is also putting a lot of emphasis on Generation Y (15-32 year olds). The statistics suggest they will be a strong driving force for the next ten years!


Why is this group different from their older peers? The group is about equal to the baby boomer generation, about 77.4 million individuals. By sheer size alone, they are a significant percentage of the buying market. They make up over 25% of home buying age. They tend to be highly educated; more than 60 percent of them go to college. As more of this generation joins the work force there is going to be a “massive increase in housing demands”, according to University of Southern California Lusk Center for Real Estate.

Below is a list of what you need to know about this group in order to market to them:

Importance of Technology

This generation has always had access to computers. They are very comfortable with new and innovative technology and use it to the best of its abilities. This means they are doing research on real estate! Whether it’s pricing what they want or finding out how the market is doing. You need to know what they already do. Social Media and web surfing are daily habits on their end, they expect answers fast. They want to know that turning to you as an expert that you are listening to their questions and answering them. Embrace technology to locate generation Y buyers and keep connected.

Understanding their Schedules and Priorities

This generation is also very cautious. They have grown up in a time of uncertain markets. They are savvy buyers. They are highly educated, and research most major purchases. They are having trouble getting jobs or are afraid of cutbacks at their jobs. This comes into play with their spending habits. However, this does not discourage spending, it just creates priorities. Generation Y is already purchasing property younger than the generation before them. The average first home purchase is 26 years old (Generation X is 28). Understand what has shaped their thinking and appeal to it, don’t fight it.

Lifestyle is Key

These individuals are strongly influenced by their lifestyle. They like urban living where they can walk and ride bicycles to get where they want to go. Generation Y is getting married and having kids later. They view real estate as short-lived investment before their next stage. Most important features are convenience to where they want to go, shopping, restaurants, and amenities. Most of this generation also prefers low-hassle or maintenance free living. This means they don’t want a large yard to mow on their own. Entertaining and open spaces to accommodate guest is high on their want list. Also, useable outdoor living space highly appears to their outdoor nature. Find out what your buyers want and market it highlighting these key features.

If you have any questions or would like to talk to a real estate professional, contact SI Real Estate at 813.631.5144 or yourhome@sirealestateinvestments.com. We know how to set up for the next wave of clients. Also, if you are looking to join a real estate firm that is changing with the market, contact us for current agent positions.

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Faye Dunaway Gets All Mommie Dearest on NYC Landlord

Legendary Oscar winning actress Faye Dunaway (Network, Chinatown, Bonnie and Clyde) earned a vaunted spot in the Pantheon of high camp goddesses for her frightening (but funny) portrayal of wire hanger hating actress Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest. Based on an ugly and ongoing dust up with her New York City landlord, it seems the 70 and still stunning actress can be as volatile and verbally lacerating in her real life as in the land of Tinseltown make-believe.

Since 1994 Miz Dunaway has held the lease on a rent-stabilized apartment in a dingy walk-up tenement building with green linoleum-floored hallways on East 78th Street between 1st and 2nd Avenues. The current rent on the one bedroom apartment is reported to be $1,048.72, less than half the $2,300+ average market rate price for a one-bedroom apartment in the Upper East Side 'hood.

Here's the thing, kitty cats: Rent stabilization laws require the tenant of record occupy the premises as a primary residence. The landlord for Miz Dunaways' digs in The Big Apple, citing voter and car registrations, claims the actress actually lives in California where property records reveal she owns a small two-house compound in West Hollywood bought in April 1998 for $315,000. Back in September 2007, some of the children whose brains aren't burnt out on the dope or booze may recall, the sometimes still working actress posted an ad on Craigs List to lease a 2-bedroom Spanish style cottage within her walled and hedged compound with an asking price of $4,250 per month.

Fearsome Miz Dunaway isn't taking the eviction efforts or ensuing publicity lying down. Oh no, hunnies, she's gone on a voice mail leaving verbal rampage. According to the guys at Gothamist, Miz Dunaway has left three voice mails for the New York Times–who originally reported the story on Tuesday–in which she said the landlord can't evict her because she's already vacated the premises. She claims that she, "offered to hand back the apartment keys, told the landlord that she had moved out in May and informed Mr. Moses that she was arranging for a moving company to pick up some papers." The landlord claims he's yet to receive anything in writing and, technically, legal possession remains with Miz Dunaway.

She went on to say in her voice messages to the New York Times that she herself had decided to move out because "of the state of the apartment," which she claims had "bugs everywhere." She went on to say about the landlord, "He is a slum landlord. He has no class." Oh dear.

Not surprisingly, Miz Dunaway left some additional choice words on the landlord's message machine too, telling him, "I hope you need that money like crazy and you’ll give it to poor people. I hope you have a terrible life."

Your Mama has no love for New York City landlords–we waged battles of our own with more than one of them–but rent stabilization rules is rules and it sounds to Your Mama like Miz Dunaway is just 29-kinds of pissed that she won't be able to keep a New York City pied a terre on the cheap any more.

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From Stiller to Statham

The Hollywood Reporter reported today that British-born he-man actor Jason Statham has purchased actor/comedian Ben Stiller's two-mansion compound in the low-key but high-brow Outpost Estates neighborhood in Los Angeles.

Your Mama have no idea if this is truth or fiction–nor do any of the few informants we've queried–but we do know that The Hollywood Reporter has a very good track record with these celebrity real estate scoops. We also know that the virile action movie star–currently on the hot and heavy with panty and bra catwalker Rosie Huntington-Whitely–has been on quite a real estate tear the last couple of years.

First he bought a condo at the Broadway Hollywood building that he bought in July 2007 for $1,543,000 and–as per prop records–sold in late May 2011 for $1,200,000, a teeth-grinding $343,000 loss not counting carrying costs and real estate fees. In June 2009 the architecture appreciating Mister Statham splashed out a very a-list $10,950,000 for a contemporary wood and glass ocean front home in the guard-gated and celebrity-stocked Malibu Colony. Oddly enough, he sold his condo at the Broadway Hollywood to a couple who also own a home in the Malibu Colony. Most recently Mister Statham sold his modernist house above the Sunset Strip to talent agent Joel Lubin for $2,700,000 after just a few weeks on the open market with an asking price of $2,749,000.

For what it's worth, Mister Stiller's 10 bedroom and 11 crapper compound that still appears on the open market as active and available with an asking price of $11,495,000 but that doesn't, my dears, mean a damn thing butter beans. Wily real estate agents in Tinseltown who do deals with high-profile peeps have been known on occasion to attempt to fool all us real estate gossips and looky-loos by not changing the status of a property on the online listing(s) until every last transaction paper is signed, sealed, and delivered.

photo: Everett Fenton Gidley for Sotheby's International Real Estate

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New Crib for Glee's Chris Colfer in Laurel Canyon

BUYER: Chris Colfer
LOCATION: Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $860,000
SIZE: 2,462 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2.75 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Even though Glee-mania continues to sweep the globe, it is Your Mama's humble and meaningless opinion the super-gay show has done jumped the proverbial showbiz shark, a victim, perhaps, of its instant mega-success. Since we think the boo-toob super-hit already passed its prime we find it a complete waste of time to shed any tears for actor Chris Colfer who portrayed the fey and steely-spined teen homosexual Kurt Hummel for the first three seasons but will not, reportedly, be back for a fourth.

Sassy Mister Colfer will inevitably move on to bigger and better things. As per both The Bizzy Boys at Celebrity Address Aerial and our impossibly well-informed confrère Lucy Spillerguts–he will also soon move into a new house that hovers over the rugged Laurel Canyon area of Los Angeles, CA.

Property records show that Mister Colfer, through a trust, paid $860,000 for an ass-uglee residence perched on the last hairpin curve of a secluded cul-de-sac high above Laurel Canyon. A deeper dive into the property records reveals that Mister Colfer bought the blue beast out of foreclosure. Some of the resident Real Estate Chicken Littles around here will surly go giddy when they learn the non-celeb sellers of Mister Colfer's new crib purchased the property in early 2007 ago for a substantially higher $1,232,000 and lost the house, according to the docs we peeped, into the snapping claws of foreclosure in September 2010.

Listing information for the 1963 mansard-roofed hot mess shows it measures 2,462 square feet. Listing information for the property gets a mite confusing when it comes to the bedroom and pooper count: In one area of the listing 2 bedrooms and 2.75 bathrooms are indicated, in another it reads "3 Bedrooms, 3.5 Bathrooms," and in a third section the bathroom count gets broken down into 1 full, 1 three-quarter and 2 half bathrooms. The Los Angeles County Tax Man, for what it's worth, shows there are 2 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms. Make of all that nonsense what you will.

The three-story hillside house, called a "contemporary" in the listing, sits hard up on street with a front facing two-car attached garage with convenient direct entry and indoor laundry facility. We anticipate a couple or few of the children will whine and stamp their real estate feet with righteous indignation about how they would never, in a million damn years, pay nearly a million clams for an architecturally rude-looking residence that sits so close to the street that someone could walk by and easily reach right in an open window and snatch a bottle of booze or pack of menthols off the table. Spare us the jibber-jabber. The geographic reality of building in the steep ravines and perilous canyons in Los Angeles often means that a house must sit very close to the access road. Don't like it? Buy a ranch house in Sherman Oaks with a wide front lawn, broad back yard and no canyon view. Real estate is a trade off, kids, and just because you wouldn't swap a deep front lawn for a canyon view doesn't mean that it's foolish for someone to do so, okaaaay? Our bigger concern here is not the lack of front yard–Your Mama lives in the Hollywood Hills and has but a sliver of a front yard–it's the dearth of architectural or aesthetic fabulosity. More on that later.

A tightly curved stair case with brushed stainless steel (or perhaps its aluminum or some other material) banister doubles back around itself and connects the three levels of the house. The open-plan lower level main living space encompasses a living/dining/kitchen area with blond wood floors, fireplace with slate surround, built-in banquette sofa, and sliding glass doors that lead out to one of the two decks that run along the back of the lower two levels and cantilever over the canyon.

The kitchen, which looks like it was fairly recently punished with an upsetting remodel, has average-grade stainless steel appliances, some sort of solid-surface or granite counter tops, a separate wet bar with sink and wine fridge, and an L-shaped center island with a breakfast bar fashioned from an perplexing panel of curving green glass that looks like it was ripped right out of the 1980s.

However many bedrooms there may be, two or three, Mister Colfer's new grand master suite features a private pooper, walk-in closet and an unobstructed view over the jagged canyon.

Aerial images of the house show the rooftop covered in solar panels but listing information doesn't mention anything about solar panels, not that we noticed anyway.

At the time Mister Colfer scooped the place up, the exterior was painted a gawdawful blue color that resembles tur-qwahze. Now children, Your Mama loves us some turquoise–and tur-qwahze–but it is not, generally speaking, an appropriate color for a 21st-century house. It just isn't.

Your Mama can only hope Mister Colfer has already had the good gay decorative sense to consult a color queen, a nice, gay decorator and/or a smart architect to come up with a more acceptable solution to the jaw-droppingly horrific exterior of the house. We also hope with all our might that Mister Colfer hires a brawny contractor to remove that silly half-assed mansard roof hoozy-goozy that makes our flesh pimple with architectural discordance.

Before y'all get your architectural panties in snit and start to yammer about how this house is beyond saving and should be torn down, we ask that you keep in mind it is not a realistic or practical solution to tear down all the ugly houses. It just isn't. To make that case is just wasted words and aesthetic pie in the sky. Sometimes and for a myriad of reason, like it or not, you just have to work with what's there and–to put it another way–put some goddam lipstick and lashes on the pig.
With that in mind Your Mama took the liberty to whip together a rough mock up of a possible solution to the troubling existing exterior of Mister Colfer's Laurel Canyon cauchemar. Rather than tart the house up with traditional details–a device that almost always ends up looking cheap and depressingly faux–we opted to strip the structure down to its core and just let it be what it is: a boxy contemporary slammed right up on to the roadside.

In our "after" version (shown above on the right) we painted the exterior white so it glistens in the scorching southern California sunshine, added new front and garage doors, ran a privacy fence along the property line at the front of the house that provides an illusion of privacy at the street level, and we consolidated that unholy trio of mis-matched windows on the second floor into one large opening partially shielded by vertical privacy slats.

Now, of course, kittens, this is just one quick and dirty solution to the front façade by a boorish blogger. Certainly a smart architect or crafty landscape designer could come up with something far superior than our paltry five-minute effort.

Any of y'all want to give it a go?

listing photos (top): Coldwell Banker
photo for re-do (bottom): Google Maps

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Disney Cash Cow Miley Cyrus Back at the Real Estate Rodeo

BUYER: Miley Cyrus
LOCATION: Studio City, CA
PRICE: $3,900,000
SIZE: 5,173 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to The Bizzy Boys at Celebrity Address Aerial Your Mama learned just this very morning that 19-year old Disney cash cow Miley Cyrus–YouTube-ing she-rah of Hannah Montana–recently caught a classic case of The Real Estate Fickle.

In late 2009, when she was just 17 young years old, the salvia smokin' teen queen dropped a very grown up $3,400,000 for a gated fixer-upper mini-compound located just around the corner from her family homestead in Toluca Lake, CA. Little Miss Mily's mini-compound includes a 4 bedroom and 5.5 baño hacienda-style main casa originally built in 1933, a detached 2-bedroom guest house that we heard but can not confirm she converted to a recording studio, a swimming pool, and tennis court.

We had heard some time ago from an anonymous snitch that Little Miss Miley might be in the market for a new house in Tinseltown but Your Mama foolishly dismissed the scuttlebutt as idle celebrity real estate chatter. Turns out, this anonymous source was speaking the truth. Property records now reveal the throaty voiced singer/songwriter–born with the maudlin name Destiny Hope–recently spent $3,900,000 for another house, this time a secluded estate with state-of-the-art security and a recently remodeled mid-century modern residence nestled into the hills above Studio City, CA.

Records show the private 1.15 acre property, purchased in early June 2011, was acquired with the same trust (and trustee) used to buy her Toluca Lake property. The walled and gated property occupies a broad and flat promontory and includes a multi-winged residence originally built in 1952 and recently given a full-scale gut renovation that retained the original architectural spirit of a contemporary California ranch typified by the low-slung hip roof and blurred lines between indoor and outdoor living.

Listing information indicates the house contains 5 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms but a careful perusal of additional marketing materials we squeezed out of the interweb like a pimple reveals something a wee bit more nuanced. The main house includes a two-pronged bedroom wing with two family bedrooms–both with private facility–plus an expansive master suite that encompasses a private sitting room with fireplace and sky light, spa-style bathroom with steam shower and separate jetted tub, two walk-in closets and a wall of windows that slide open to a semi-private patio with canyon view.

A half pooper just off the entry means no dinner guest must stray into more intimate quarters when it's time to do their post-dinner dirty business and tucked discretely in another wing between the kitchen and attached three-car garage, a fourth smallish bedroom with private bathroom that seems best utilized as a home office, meditation lounge, staff room or, perhaps, a scrap booking command center that would make all the Quacker Factory-clad ladies and gays scream silently with jealousy.

A separate but attached suite on the far side of the garage includes a bedroom/living area with wall-to-wall carpeting, a private patio, walk-in closet and private bathroom. Although this space would function magnificently for a stays-to-long in-law or a live-in domestic who–like our imperious house gurl Svetlana–desires and requires a modicum of privacy, Your Mama would not be the least bit surprised if Little Miss Cyrus instead converted the privately situated suite into a recording studio.

The front door–painted a vibrant shade of green at the time Miss Cyrus purchased the property opens into an entry area that bleeds seamlessly into an irregularly shaped "formal" living room that features dark wood floors and a wide banks of floor-to-ceiling sliding glass doors that scoots the eyeballs through the room to a covered patio, the backyard, swimming pool and canyon view.

The adjoining dining room opens over a four-seat breakfast peninsula to a sleek and modern center island kitchen with stone tile floors, a combination of solid surface and wood counter tops, and high-grade stainless steel and integrated appliances that include a six-burner/two oven range with built-in spigot for pot-filling and a full-height booze refrigerator that makes our wine-loving Dr. Cooter go jelly-kneed with deep oenophilic desire. The lower cabinets in the kitchen show a horizontal wood grain that reinforces the linear nature of the house and the few upper cabinets are a glossy orange material, which we love because we love almost anything orange. Behind the kitchen the compact service area include a mouth-watering walk-in pantry, laundry facility and the aforementioned bedroom/office/scrap booking work station.

A massive flagstone chimney breast with double-sided fireplace divides the dining room from the family room that is plenty large enough to contain multiple seating areas. Sliding glass doors in the dining room lead out to a long lounging deck that runs along the side of the house and an expanse of sliding doors in the family room open to a covered patio and backyard.

A small exercise room, inconveniently accessible only through one of the family bedrooms, opens directly into back yard. A cabana bath that opens to the outside for swimmers and landscaping staff who Little Miss Cyrus may not want traipsing through the house in muddy boots or wet swim suits everything they have to use the terlit.

At one end of the swimming pool an open-air shed-like structure–the sort of thing a person might see in Dwell magazine–shades a dining/lounging terrace. An attached built-in grilling station includes an under-counter fridge so that the lazy and/or inebriated need not shuffle or stumble all the way to the kitchen every time they want a cold grape or boozy beverage.

Given that Little Miss Miley is just 19 years old and this house in Studio City is already the third home she's bought with her own money, Your Mama expects she'll catch another case of The Real Estate Fickle in the next year or two and move on to yet another multi-million dollar estate. We shall see, puppies, we shall see.

As for her celebrity-style compound in Toluca Lake, well, obviously Your Mama don't know a Thing from a Rolls Royce so we can't say for certain what her plans for property may be but our brief research indicates the property is not currently on the open market.

Purchasing a new home in Los Angeles is not, as it turns out, the only real estate transaction undertaken by Little Miss Miley this year. In February the capricious minx unloaded a penthouse condo in the somewhat unlikely locale of Panama Beach, FL–otherwise known as the Redneck Riviera–for $1,968,750. Miss Cyrus purchased the Gulf-front Panhandle penthouse just about 14 months earlier for, as per records Your Mama peeped, $1,850,000.

In 2007, when the Cyrus clan moved from their 500-acre Singin' Hill Farm outside Nashville in teeny-tiny Thompson Station to Tinseltown, they spent $5,838,000 to scoop up an 8,299 square foot faux-Tuscan mansion privately situated down a long, gated drive in the upscale and celebrity-packed enclave of Toluca Lake. Last year Little Miss Miley's parents were headed for the court of dee-vorce and there were rumors and reports the 6 bedroom and 7 pooper property would be sold. Earlier this year, Poppa Cyrus announced he had called the divorce off. Whether a reported reconciliation means Mommy and Daddy Cyrus will keep the family house or sell it for a fresh start somewhere else is not known to this real estate gossip. As far as we know–which is really so very little–they have no plans to sell the farm in Tennessee.

listing photos: Ewing and Associates / Sotheby's International Realty

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Gun 'N Roses Gee-tar Hero Slash on the Move...Again

SELLER: Slash and Perla Hudson
LOCATION: Beverly Hills/Sherman Oaks, CA
PRICE $9,500,000
SIZE: 10,971 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: While chowing down on a 42-pound hamburger and a mound of cheesy fries over the weekend Your Mama received an unexpected communique via text message from friend and informant Babbling Babette who informed us that rock-n-roll superstar Slash quietly floated his Los Angeles, CA mansion on the market as a "pocket listing" with an asking price of $9,500,000.

A pocket listing, puppies, is when a person puts their property on the market but does not want it included in the Multiple Listing Service (MLS) where it can be easily located and scrutinized by the looky-looing hoi polloi.

Mister Slash, often named as one of the best electric gee-tarists of all time, earned his fame and fortune as the kinky-haired and top-hatted lead string-plucker in the phenomenally successful, notoriously volatile and long ago disbanded heavy metal hair band Guns N' Roses. He later went on to be a founding member of Velvet Revolver and last year released his fist solo effort that features a long list of music industry luminaries including Iggy Pop, Adam Levine, Dave Grohl, Fergie and Ozzy Osbourne. In the early Noughts Mister Slash hitched his romantic wagon to a former Las Vegas lady-pimp named Perla and together they've made a couple of shorties.

Mister and Missus Slash regularly appear in the real estate gossip columns due to their relatively frequent buying and selling of high-priced homes. In late 2005, amid rumors of and a later filing for dee-vorce, Mister Slash paid $6,250,000 for a 5 bedroom and 6.5 bathroom mansion just above Drew Barrymore's long-time compound in the hills above Hollywood. He soon flipped the beehawtcha back on the market for $6,995,000. Mister and Missus Slash reconciled–ain't that sweet–and by late 2007 the price tag for Mister Slash's erstwhile bachelor pad in the Hollywood Hills had dropped to $5,995,999. Let's not even get into how much complicated asking prices like $5,995,999 make Your Mama need a goddam nerve pill.

Mister Slash eventually filed a million dollar lawsuit against the real estate agent who represented him in the purchase of the property alleging, amongst other grievances, that the Real Estate did not provide the accurate square footage of the house or the number of automobiles that could be parked on the property. We don't recall the result of that suit–nor do we care to dig up the dirt–but records do reveal the property was finally sold in December 2007 for $5,725,000 to left-handed professional baseball pitcher Randy Wolf.

In January 2008 Your Mama dissed and discussed the 6 bedroom and 7 pooper contemporary crib in the hills above suburban Sherman Oaks, CA that Mister and Missus Slash bought in March 2002 for $2,150,000, listed in late 2006 for $3,995,000–later reduced to $3,750,000–and sold for $3,450,000 in October 2007.

We're not sure where Mister and Missus Slash bunked between October 2007 when they sold their house in Sherman Oaks and March 2009 when they bought a big ol' a faux-Tuscan-type mansion in the guard-gated Mulholland Estates community where other celebrity and "celebrity" homeowners include letter turner Vanna White, tee-vee judge Greg Mathis, reality tee-vee queen Paris Hilton, British pop star Robby Williams and whackadoodle actor Charlie Sheen who owns two houses in the community, one of which he currently has up for sale with an asking price of $7,200,000.

Although guard-gated with 24/7 private security and popular with famous folks Mulholland Estates is a well-known magnet for freaky crimes perpetrated against celebrities. In October 2010 a man was arrested for trying to break into Paris Hilton's house which had previously been broken into numerous times by the now-busted band of teens and young adults who made up the so-called Bling Ring. Long-time resident and Winning Warlock Charlie Sheen has had two fancy cars stolen from his driveway, one of which was driven off a nearby cliff.

Undeterred by the occasional criminal shenanigans in the high-priced community, property records show that Mister and Missus Slash bought their Mulholland Estates mansion from a heavily surgified lady named Colleen Maloof, the matriarch of the Maloof family whose original fortune derives from a beer distributorship in Albuquerque (NM) that was sold off in 2009. The Maloof family's assets currently include a substantial stake in Wells Fargo and an entertainment production company with credits like the thankfully short-lived reality tee-ee turd Living Lohan. Until recently, the Maloof family owned the trendy Palms hotel and casino in Las Vegas lock, stock and slot machine; They now own, reportedly, as little as 2% of the slick and celebrity-friendly gambling emporium. Momma Maloof's hard charging tinsel-haired daughter Adrienne stars on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills; Say what ye will about the Maloofs–and we're certain some of the children have plenty to say about the Maloofs–but Adrienne Maloof-Nassif is unquestionably one of the most likable and level-headed women to ever appear on that god-awful but still completely mesmerizing reality- tee-vee franchise.

Anyhoo, enough about the Maloofs; Property records and previous reports show Mister and Missus Slash plunked down $7,300,000, in March 2009, for Miz Maloof's Mulholland Estates mansion that the Los Angeles County Tax Man's website shows measures 10,971 square feet and current (pocket) listing information indicates has 7 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms.

A quick comparison between listing photos from the time of their purchase and current listing photos show that Mister and Missus Slash and their team of nice, gay decorators have transformed Miz Maloof's interiors from a mock-regal and matronly sea of beige walls, honey-colored hardwood floors, pale brocade upholstery and yard after yard of oppressive drapery into a brooding, bordello-like Gothic darkness with ebony finished floors and yard after yard of different but still oppressive drapery.

The impress the guests foyer and stair hall acts as the main traffic hub and provides access to the formal living room outfitted with a florid and fa-boo Baroque gilt-framed mirror above the fireplace and shimmery intricately patterned wall coverings. The quirky and kooky rock star style furnishings including a fringe-trimmed leopard upholstered sofa, a knick-knack covered crocodile skin coffee table (that may or may not be embossed leather or some other material), lace under-curtains with heavy tasseled drapery and a table lamp fashioned from a miniature suit of armor.

Light from a pair of drippy jelly fish-like black crystal chandeliers in the dining room shimmer dramatically off the walls lined with louche (and likely very expensive) Verre Eglomisé insets. Somewhere in the house there's a library/office area with built-in shelves and cabinetry.

The mansion's seven bedrooms include a high-glam second floor master suite with fireplace, built-in wardrobes, dark wood floors and an attached bathroom with glassed-in steam shower, twin sinks/vanities and a separate soaking tub. The day-core in the master suite, not surprisingly, runs toward the bawdy and gaudy with matching mirrored dressing tables posted on either side of the monolithic Neoclassical canopy bed with thick fluted columns hung with heavy-handed gold and rose colored fabric privacy panels. A beveled mirror cabinet at the foot of the bed hides a flat-screen tee-vee that magically lifts out of the cabinet at the touch of a button.

Less formal open-plan family quarters include a step-down family room with fireplace, breakfast room, and gigantic kitchen that includes two work islands, a Mack truck-sized copper pot rack, two Sub-Zero fridge/freezers plus two additional fridge drawers, 4 ovens and 4 dishwashers.

The lower level entertainment wing includes a game room with pinball machines and 8-chair poker table, fitness room, recording studio and a home theater with tiered seating where almost very seat has it's own (probably faux) fur lap blanket.

The back of the house opens to a deep loggia with outdoor fireplace and wall-mounted flat-screen tee-vee, a pooch-sized patch of grass and a swimming pool and spa surrounded by a child-proof fencing. A built-in barbecue center off the kitchen allows tatted-up Daddy Slash to watch the children splash in the pool while he flips hamburgers and rolls hot dogs on the grill.

Even though it's not on the open market, at $9,500,000 Mister and Missus Slash's mansion is by far the most expensive property we know of that's currently available. Coming in at a distant second is Mister Charlie Sheen's long-time prosti-pad priced at $7,200,000 with the three next most expensive properties in the enclave down in the upper five million range. However, according to Babbling Babette, the industrious gal who clued us in to Slash's pocked listed property, a certain billionaire plans to list his Mulholland Estates mansion with an asking price that hovers around twelve million clams, a price that will make the Slash's residence look like a solid bargain. We shall see, butter beans, we shall see.

listing photos: Keller Williams

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