Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne On the Move...Again

SELLERS: Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne
LOCATION: Hidden Hills
SIZE: 10,930 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 6 full and 4 half bathrooms
PRICE: $12,999,000

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Doddering but charming rock legend Ozzy Osbourne and his busy-busy ambitious wife/manager Sharon sold their religious icon-laden mansion in Beverly Hills, CA in August 2007 for $11,500,000 to dirty songbird Christina Aguilera. Since then, Miz Aguilera made a baby, separated from her music exec hubby Jordan Bratman, signed on to a smash hit reality program The Voice, and heaved her no-longer happy marital house on the market in March 2011 with an asking price of $13,500,000.

The Osbournes, ex-pat Brits who live primarily stateside nowadays, decamped the meticulously manicured streets of Beverly Hills for the horsey guard-gated semi-rural/über suburban Los Angeles community of Hidden Hills. Property records and previous reports show the Prince of Darkness and his high-glitz power princess-wife/manager paid $12,388,500 for a substantial mansion with gorgeous vistas across the surrounding hills and towards the Pacific Ocean.

After a bit of bedroom reconfiguration and a doozy of a decorative do up by famed (and famous) nice, gay decorator Martyn Lawrence-Bullard, Missus and Mister Osbourne had their rambling, country-glam digs in the celebrity-packed suburban sticks photographed for the June 2011 issue of Architectural Digest. Missus Osbourne herself commented in the article that she and the mister get real estate "itchy feet" and have never lived anyplace longer than seven years. It should come as a surprise to no one then–least of all the folks at Architectural Digest–that yesterday Missus and Mister and Osbourne hoisted their mansion in Hidden Hills on the market with an asking price of $12,999,000.

Your Mama did a few quick and rudimentary calculations on our bejeweled abacus that indicate that even if the Osbournes manage to secure a full price sale–and what's the likelihood of that?–they might squeak by with a sliverish profit once they fork over the fat real estate fees that by our unscientific estimation could easily run upwards of half a million smackers. And that's not counting the high renovation and day-core costs that surely ran well upwards of a million clams.

Property records show the Missus and Mister Osbourne's Hidden Hills estate encompasses 2.25 mostly manicured acres and includes a mansion that measures 10,930 square feet. Current listing information shows the multi-pronged pad contains 6 bedrooms and 6 full and 4 half bathrooms plus a guest/staff apartment with kitchenette. The Architectural Digest article states that after they purchased the property, Missus and Mister Osbourne embarked on a renovation that narrowed the bedroom count down to three in order to make way for an expanded master suite that now includes extensive walk-in wardrobes, two luxe bathrooms and a pair of private offices, a paneled one for him and another for her decorated with black and white Cecil Beaton fashion photographs.

The children will–or should–recognize Martyn Lawrence-Bullard as the English guy on Million Dollar Decorator. Mister Lawrence-Bullard, bless his fey heart, is prone to grandiose statements like, "Symmetry is purity and purity is delicious" and swans around and calls everyone "daaahhhhrling" in a vaguely not-British accent. We love him and his hammy ways. Mister Lawrence-Bullard's heavily-processed decorative fancies have appeared in every shelter magazine known to (wo)mankind and he's well-known in the design and day-core industry for his high wattage celebrity clientele who include (but are far from limited to) Elton John, Cher, Kid Rock, Daisy Fuentes, and soft-core porn purveyor Joe Francis. Whatever one may think of his theatrical eclecticism, when it comes to putting a room together famous folks will spend big bucks–and we mean BIG bucks–for the scruffy designer's signature dramatic (and sometimes melodramatic) decorative flourishes.

Mister Lawrence-Bullard thankfully thinned the truckloads of religious iconography that Missus and Mister Osbourne had stuffed into their Beverly Hills mansion, which featured prominently in the family's early- to mid-2000s ground-breaking reality program The Osbournes. He did not, however, restrain the decorative pomposity for which he's famous (and good at) and the result is a madcap and often enchanting mix and match of old-school English country house, Gothic glam and Shabby Chic farmhouse, all of which is washed over with a hefty twinge of Versailles. It's terribly nouveau, really, but it's so damn quirky and, despite its lustrous sheen of artificiality, so deeply personal that it works...for the Osbournes. Mister Lawrence-Bullard recognizes that the house belongs not to his flights of fancy but to the Osbourne and as such peppered the couple's casually ritzy residence with their many kooky collections that include antique tea sets, cow-shaped things and dolls.

A curving drive climbs up to a stone motor court at the front of the house that has more than a few barn-like architectural garnishments such as the gambrel roof line and silo-like form that marks the main entry. Even though Your Mama's Big Daddy' lives in a house that looks suspiciously like a converted barn–it was never actually a barn–we don't care for this particular vernacular. Iffin we wanted to live in a damn barn we'd be a horse.

Anyhoodles poodles, the mansion's decorative lasciviousness smacks a person across the face immediately upon entering the house through the the double-height circular foyer that features a towering two-story wall of windows and a floating staircase painted jet black that curls like a kitten around a gilt-edged table that Architectural Digest described as "19th-century French." Your Mama, on the other hand would describe the table in a far less educated manner, perhaps, as a gilt-accented antique table that probably cost more than our BMW.

The formal living room–all red, rose and pink–features a fireplace with, ahem, a gilded angel statuette in front of it, a bowed wall of French doors, crystal chandelier and a lot of over-scaled brocade and silk upholstered furniture. In the formal dining room–which, in truth, looks magical in the glossy pages of Architectural Digest but a little frumpy in listing photos–French doors on either side of a Directoire-style fireplace with carved stone chimney breast open the room to the cool ocean breezes that sometimes drift over the mountains. Light from (a-may-zingly decadent) crystal wall-mounted chandeliers and a 19th-century French chandelier that hangs over the Lawrence-Bullard-designed table and chairs reflects and multiplies off the silver-leafed ceiling and the walls covered in a Chinoiserie-style silver painted-silk wall treatment.

The more intimate areas of the house include an exquisitely paneled library with fireplace, built-in bookcases and a tufted sofa covered in midnight blue velvet. If Your Mama knows Mister Lawrence-Bullard–and we do not know Mister Lawrence-Bullard–it's probably yummy-yummy and atrociously expensive silk velvet. The cook-friendly eat-in country kitchen has a large work island/snack bar with distressed red stools, an adjoining breakfast nook wrapped in windows with expansive view, walk-in pantry and commercial-grade stainless steel appliances. The kitchen was not, it seems, designed with a cubby for the microwave since listing photos show one sitting on the counter next to the stove. Call us persnickety but for thirteen million bucks, hunnies, we want to the microwave to have a built-in place of its own.

A pair of sliding barn doors open the kitchen to the white-washed family room with vaulted ceiling with exposed beams and trusses, antique brick fireplace surround, reclaimed wide-plank wood floors and, because this is the Osbourne's crib and everything must drip with glam, a trio of glittering antique crystal chandeliers. Mister Osbourne, according to Architectural Digest, likes to paint in this room. A narrow staircase near the kitchen, lined with Mister Osbourne's many gold and platinum albums, descends to the lower level outfitted with a home theater and state-of-the-art recording and rehearsal studios.

The master suite–probably larger and certainly far more glitzy than Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's house, contains a sizable separate sitting room furnished with angels and velvet covered things and a large bedroom with vaulted ceiling, French doors that open to a private terrace, high gloss painted wood floors, and a fireplace flanked by a pair of stunning oval windows. We could do without the floral-printed balloon shades that look like the bottom of Marie Antoinette's dress, but the elliptical windows are, to use Mister Lawrence-Bullard's favorite word, fabulous. The master suite, as mentioned above, also includes his and her bathrooms, custom-fitted walk-in closets/dressing rooms and a pair of offices.

In classic southern California-style several terraces at the rear of the house extend the living space to the outdoors. A stone-walled covered patio with archways that frame the mountain views, has a soaring wood-beamed ceiling, outdoor fireplace and–for the always necessary glam factor–a chandelier. Adjacent to the infinity-edged swimming pool and spa–which includes a shallow kiddie pool too–a pergola shades a lounging/dining area with built-in barbecue center, terliting facility and outdoor shower.

We haven't heard a whisper from any of our sources inside the celebrity real estate game about where Missus and Mister Osbourne might next be headed but iffin we were the betting type–and we're not–we'd put all our chips on red 57 that they'll pack up their vintage tea set and doll collections and head on back to on of the high-toned zip codes in the Platinum Triangle: Beverly Hills, Bel Air and Holmby Hills. We shall see, buttons, we shall see.

listing photos: Sotheby's International Realty